Irreplaceable [h.s]

Chapter 36

The sensation of my head pounding makes me scrunch up my face in discomfort, a long groan leaving my lips as I roll over onto my stomach. My cheek lands against the soft fabric, making me run my hands along it, my eyes still closed. The feeling of it on my fingertips then suddenly brings flashbacks of what happened last night, the memory of it making me open my eyes wide, seeing that I am in Aiden's bed and alone in his room.

I lay there for a moment, letting the memories run through my head, making me let out a long sigh as I wrap the blanket tighter around my bare chest. I was drunk enough to make carefree decisions but not drunk enough to where I would forget any of it. I knew what I was doing. I knew that I would end up right here in his bed with consequences. I knew it and I did it anyway because I wanted to.

And the shitty thing is, I don't regret it.

I don't regret going after what I wanted and what I had wanted for awhile but didn't want to admit. I don't regret the way I let him touch me. Not a single bit of that I regret. The only thing I would be worried about or the reason I might regret it is because of Harry.

Harry.

He's never going to be able to forgive me because of it. Even though we are no longer together, I know it's wrong in a way and I betrayed him. It's an internal fight I've had with myself. I don't like the feeling of being restrained or having authority. I fight against it. I've just done whatever I've wanted to do. That's how I operate and that's exactly what I did last night. I had felt this bubble of tension between us that felt like it was going to explode so I needed to get rid of it.

But, in doing that, I know when he finds out, it's going to hurt him. It's probably going to do a lot more than hurt him. That's not what I want to do. I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to feel trapped and that's how I felt. I love Harry, and it has always been him but whatever this was between me and Aiden, it's always been something I couldn't quite understand or describe.

It's nothing romantic, but I would be a fool to say it was purely sexual. It was definitely mainly sexual tension between us and there has been for awhile, but then something else started to arise. It was just this feeling of a connection I had with him. A deeper understanding that the both of us hadn't quite realized yet. Or that he doesn't want to admit, even now.

He's very intriguing, always has been. And maybe because I feel gravitated towards people like him because I sense myself in them. I didn't believe that whole asshole and nothing more attitude he put on. Don't get me wrong, he definitely is an asshole, but not as much as he likes to lead on and that's not all he has to offer. It's not all he is. He's more than that.

He's hurt is what he is. It gives no justification for the way he treats people or how he acts or what he says, but he doesn't do it because he's genuinely some evil person as people seem to think. I think he's covering and bottling up a lot of pain and uses that touch exterior as a defense mechanism and to keep people from getting close. I think vulnerability scares him so instead of risking it, he pushes people away.

How do I know this? Because I was the exact same way. I can spot it very easily and I've always had such a bad habit of trying to read people. I am quite good at it though. I used to play a game with myself where from far away, just watching the way someone flirted or their body language, I tried to read as much as I could off of them. Then, I would go up to them, get to know them a bit and then be proven right.

It was fairly fun. Harry was one I couldn't read and that's why I was so drawn to him. All I could sense was a light and a darkness inside of him. I sensed pain but also at the same time, he radiated such happiness and light. He was confusing to say the least. With Aiden, he's become very clear to read and I don't regret any of the time we've spent together to lead that to happening.