Fighting For What's Missing

51.

My baby girl isn't a baby anymore. It hurts-it physically hurts. All I want to do is sit down and wait for this nightmare to be over. But...as much as I wish it was, it's not a nightmare and Agnes is growing up. My baby girl isn't a baby anymore.

"Daddy?" I snap out of my...my haunting trance and look at my daughter. "We're home."

What? I glance around and see we're in the driveway. What the actual fuck?

Afraid of worrying Agnes, I quickly put the car in park then turn it off. We climb out of the car and I grab Agnes' bag from the back seat. "I'm gonna go to the store real quick," I tell her as we step into the house.

Caesar-coming out of thin air-jumps into Agnes' arms. "Do you know what to get?"

"No, but I'm sure there's someone there to help me." This was what I was afraid of this; Agnes not having a mother figure, someone to help her and talk to her about this kind of stuff. I still think about now and then, not sure if I regret not looking for someone. But I guess I was being selfish. The way Agnes looks at me like I'm the only one she will ever need-no matter what. I didn't want her looking at someone else like that, female or male.

"Daddy...?"

"Yeah?"

She peers down at Caesar. "I don't want...tampons," she says hesitantly.

I mentally cringe. "Okay...do you want anything else?"

She shakes her head. "No, thank you."

I'm uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean Agnes has to be. If I'm the only one who she can talk to then I have to put my feelings and discomfort to the side. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Lifting her head, she stares into my eyes and nods. "But I want to shower first." There's a hint of relief in her voice.

"Okay. I'll be back before you're out," I promise her then kiss her head. "Lock the door behind me."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

Agnes
*********

Daddy and I had never talked about... anything like this before. I had only heard about periods from my classmates. The girls in my class were happy to have theirs, I am not, and the boys find them disgusting, I see why now.

My shower had taken a little over half an hour. I felt so disgusting that I even washed my hair. Now I'm stuck looking at my reflection, wondering if I possibly look different. Apparently, I'm a woman now.

*Knock Knock*

"Agnes?" Daddy's voice carries from the other side of the bathroom room. I wrap my body with a towel and open the door a crack. "Here." He hands me a plastic bag.

"Thank you." I close the door, and instantly daddy begins to pace back and forth in the hall. Thanks to his heavy boots, his footsteps are loud and annoying right now. So I turn on the faucet to drown out the noise. I put on the pad-it feels weird-get dress, and turn off the water. After a moment to myself, I open the door, and daddy stops dead in his tracks. I walk over and hug him. I'm sure this might be hard or even uncomfortable for him.

And as expected, daddy hesitates to hug me back.

I pull away, walk to my room, and crawl into bed. Sighing heavily, daddy sits down. He brushes my still damp hair out of my face and to the side. "What happened?" He whispers. "Did something happened?"

I nod. "I had fallen asleep for the last twenty minutes of class. Mr. Wu said it was okay because I've never even daydreamed in his class. Anyway, when I woke up...I was covered in blood. It was so bad Mr. Wu made the next class wait in another room." Caesar jumps in bed. I grab her and hold her to my chest. She always seems to sense when I'm upset and doesn't fight me when I hold her in a position she doesn't like.

"I'm sorry," daddy says. "I should've told you sooner."

I sit up, placing Caesar on my lap, and turn to him. "I...I sort of knew about it-"

"That's not what I mean, Agnes. I made the decision to raise you as a single parent a long time ago. But I didn't prepare myself for these kinds of talks. I should've, and I'm sorry."

"Talk...? I'm a woman now?" I ask, and he winces. "I'm sorry," I peer down at Caesar, who's nibbling at my wrist.

"No, Agnes," daddy pinches my chin and lifts my head so I'm looking him in the eyes again. "What is it?" He asks softly, dropping his hand from my face.

"I don't understand, what does my bleeding have anything to do with it? How do I become a woman?"

Daddy's face hardens as his eyes grow foggy. "Your...body's going to start...changing." The thickness and hoarseness of his voice send chills down my spine. I don't like when he's like this.

"Can we have hamburgers for dinner?" I ask in hopes to change the subject and to make daddy feel better.

He chuckles dryly and kisses the top of my head. "Whatever you want," he says then mutters more to himself than me, "my baby isn't a baby anymore."

"Daddy, that's not true. You know it's not."

He bows his head, but not before I get a glimpse of him smiling. "Thank you, kid. You have no clue how much that means to me."

*********

Uncle Charlie and uncle Robbie ended up coming over. Rob and I put on our roller skates and race in the street while Charlie and daddy drank on the lawn. It's the first time I've seen daddy drinking alcohol. I hope it's not because of what he said earlier.

But other than the alcohol, he seems fine. He seems great actually. Maybe now that he sees that I'm growing up, he thinks me seeing him drink isn't an issue. It never was before, but he needed to know that. It means nothing if I tell him and he doesn't believe it.

"Agnes!" Daddy calls, then both Rob and I skate up the driveway. Daddy stands up and walks over to us. "I asked for my daughter," he says to Rob.

Smiling hard, Rob rolls his eyes then playfully hits my arm before moving away.

"What's up?" I ask daddy.

"How are you feeling?"

"My knees hurt-that's for sure, and I get a sharp pain in my side every now and then."

"Do you want to sit for a bit?"

I shake my head. "I'm good." I glance around and see that everyone's here, I don't want to be sitting around and waiting for the pain to stuck. Well...almost everyone. I turn to daddy again. "Actually, can we see grandma this weekend?" We usually see her at the end of every month, but I just want to see her now. "We should tell her the good news."

Daddy makes a face. "Good news can be spread by a phone call."

"Daddy." Despite everything Tisha has done for us, daddy still hasn't come around to calling her mom. We visit her, yes, but that's only for me. Daddy can't say no.

"Okay, I'll call Tisha in the morning."

"Thank you," I smile.