Starboy

Chapter 39: You Came Back

Benji

I watch Brandy take off and Miles chase after her, just like I thought he would. I feel proud that I was right about him but also like a big, fucking idiot. I've had a few glasses of champagne and when I saw Brandy with another guy I... I lost it.

I don't know what the hell came over me. I can't believe I actually got mad at her the way that I did or said the things I said. I made her cry. I said something bad enough to make her cry right on the spot. God, she must hate me. I hate me.

I've spent the whole day sitting in the same spot doing nothing as everyone around me planned this big party that I never wanted. None of the decorations, catering, guest list... none of those were picked by me. I didn't have a say in how I wanted to spend my day. Instead, Mom planned everything, just like she always does. I guess that really struck a nerve.

And I don't want to sound ungrateful either. I know some people would kill for a party like this, but not me. I never wanted this. I just wanted to spend the night with Brandy... on a bed of rose petals, watching Seinfeld. The exact same things I said to her were actually what I wanted. I think I said it like that because I was mad that's not what I was doing.

And to make matters worse, I find out that Brandy was going to have sex with me tonight. I can't believe she trusted me enough to want to have sex with me and there I was, completely betraying that. Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and think about the things I want to say before I actually say them. Maybe if I had that option, I wouldn't be such a fuck up.

I watch them until they are so far out the door that I can't see them anymore. I head back to the lame party and watch everyone else but I have a good time. Natalie is chatting with my parents and all of my high school friends are laughing and drinking, of course. Shawn and my college 'friends' are sitting at their own table, having a good time.

I approach Shawn's table and take a seat, feeling unable to stand anymore. "Starboy, happy  fucking birthday!" Shawn says to me, patting my back.

"Not so happy," I say. "How are you doing, though?"

"Fuck, what's wrong, man?" He asks sincerely. "You shouldn't be bummed at your own party."

"You'd think so, right?" I laugh. "Don't worry about me, Shawn, just... have a good time."

"All right," he agrees. "Hey, man, did you still... want me, well, are you okay with me talking to Natalie? You mentioned that before but I'm just making sure you haven't changed your mind."

"I haven't changed my mind," I inform him. "If you want to talk to her, talk to her. I don't own anyone."

As soon as those words left my lips, I feel like an idiot because I acted like I owned Brandy tonight. I acted like she wasn't allowed to bring a guy with her when I was doing the same thing. Of course, she's mad, I'm a fucking idiot.

"Okay, Starboy. I'm going in," he says as he stands up. I watch him slowly approach Natalie, almost terrified to tap her on the shoulder and speak. Shawn likes to act very confidently but in reality, the man has absolutely no game. I would help him out but how weird is that?

I wander around the room and wait for something remotely interesting to happen. The loud music coming from the band makes it hard for me to focus on my own thoughts, but I do so anyway. As I'm about to grab another drink of champagne, I recall all of the incidents where alcohol made everything worse. Take the frat party, the dorm party, and then tonight.

I stare at my reflection through the glass and shake my head. I put down the drink and continue to walk around and make small talk with the people I see once or twice a year—people I hardly know at all. I can't believe I'm here talking to my mother's friend from high school and not my actual girlfriend. It's strange how that works, and it's sad. I only have myself to blame.