Falling for a Felstead

The Albatross

This year Ellie Taylor was presenting the studio show and we were all for it. I thought she was bloody brilliant and we were actually kind of mates anyway.

"Hello! Hello! And welcome to the Made In Chelsea End of Season Party. Everyone cheer!" Everyone clapped and cheered. "Rich people are so obedient. Now, I'm going to be open and honest from the start- my name is Ellie Taylor and I'm from Essex." There were jokey gasps and cheers. "I know, I know, don't worry, I can handle this, some of my best friends are posh." Everyone laughed. "One of them's even been to Centre Parcs. Now, I'm delighted to be here and very much looking forward to getting to know you all better. Even you Harry. I know, I'm as surprised as you are. Although, watching the series- contractual obligation but also, yay- I feel like I already know you all. I mean, there's Victoria. Hi, Victoria. Aww, what a warm and kind soul. Oh, I bet you lot are always running to hug her when you're sad. A snuggle with lovely, cuddly Vicky. And then there's peacekeeper and confident Mytton. I mean, he is someone you could definitely tell a secret to and just know he'll keep it forever. Such a great guy- and what about that gorgeous little dreamboat Sam Prince? Aww he's so cute. Isn't he cute? No, sorry, I can't do this one, he's a shit gibbon. He is. No, my real favourite member of the cast is the little excitable blonde one. You know, sorted out his hair this series. You know the one. Buddy the dog. Sadly he's not here tonight but we do have all of this..." The trailer of the episode played. Ellie walked up onto the stage and over to Mark, Victoria and Sophie. "Now, before I start to emotionally fondle the residents of SW3, I need a little advice from their leader- the fresh Prince of Sloane Square, Mark Francis. Ladies, obviously Mark, thank you so much for coming. And you've brought your harpist Camilla."

"She comes everywhere with me." Mark smiled. "I'm very happy to see that you haven't tried to give me one of those air claps you entertained moments ago."

"Well, I wanted to talk to you about air kissing actually."

"Ah, yes."

"There seems to be a lot of that going on, is it mandatory with posh people to do the double kissing?"

"Well, one doesn't really like to touch." Mark told her.

"Can you not just do a handshake or a fist bump?"

"One could... no, no, decidedly not. That's as bad as the air clap."

"What would happen if I came towards you like this?" Ellie held her fist out.

"I would recoil." Mark leaned back.

"Ok. Often happens with me and men, I'm used to it. Now these are quite a feisty bunch, is there a particular way to keep posh people in order?"

"Yes, one keeps them away."

"Away from what?" Ellie questioned.

"Well, oneself of course."

"And I like, we've got the partition, the proper sort of like hurdle to get over towards you. Now, when I get drunk, I get.. I know, can you imagine?"

"A lady." Mark laughed a little.

"A lady. When I have a Sherry or two..." Ellie joked. "My accent goes from Essex into sort of a poshness, so are this lot really posh or is it all just the Bloody Mary's they've been downing?"

"I really think we should actually try and stop using that word. It sounds like a sort of cheese that one might find in a supermarket, don't you think? I'll have a slice of posh." Mark said in a funny accent.

"Is that how people from Essex speak?"

"I don't know. It just sounded different."

"I did hear, though, that you can do a very good Essex accent, can't persuade you to, like, come into a little bit of Essex bants with me babes?" Ellie accentuated her accent.