"If you want to try again, I've learned a few things since then and now I'm sure... I would make it so, so good for you..." Luke pulls back, a troublemakers grin on his lips. "You wouldn't be able to forget it."
...
I'm miserable today. Miserable inside, miserable to be around. I know this, but I'm unable to do anything about it.
And any other time, I will take comments about my attitude. With an eye-roll? Of course, but I get it.
But not this week though. Not when the nightmare is back, as it always is around this time, and I know I won't get any real sleep for days.
The words replay themselves in my mind again and again, 'selfish asshole' morphing into the most vicious of phrases in my memory.
The words I didn't say - Don't go... Let me come with you... I'm sorry, too... A large chocolate chip stack, please? - ring even louder. Impossible to escape.
This is the week when I'm allowed to be miserable. There's actually two weeks when I'm allowed, but I'm never sure which is the hardest.
"Jade," I mutter, rubbing my temples, throbbing from the nights restless sleep and too many tears and not enough oxygen, "Jade, please stop screaming."
The toddler reaches across the mini table for the blue finger paint, wailing as another kid moves it from her reach hastily.
"Owen, please share."
My voice lacks conviction, effort.
It's too late anyways. The paints splattered across the table, over numerous other artworks by the other kiddos. More crying.
My head throbs harder.
With a sigh, I lock eyes with Annie. She's watching me, trying to appear not too concerned. It isn't working.
"You feeling okay?" She mumbles, tugging a little painter's smock over Finn's body and eyeing the blue stain I've yet to clean. "Okay, Finn, go to Miss Dylan's table."
"Hi, Miss Dylan!" His green eyes twinkle up at me as he sits right by my side. His hands wait by his side as his big eyes take in the mess, waiting patiently before grabbing anything himself.
I smile, knowing it doesn't reach my eyes. I can't help it. "Hi, buddy." Back to Annie, I make a split second decision to take the rest of the day off. "I actually have a migraine today. Do you think you'd be okay for the rest of the afternoon? Would Erica mind, do you think?"
Eyeing Jade as if she's the culprit, Annie shakes her head, pursing her lips. "Go ahead."
I nod in appreciation before doing my best to swipe the majority of paint into the trash can. Following with some wipes, the surface is good as new, but the same can't be said for the other illustrations.
Annie will be fine, I tell myself, grabbing my bag and using another wipe to remove paint from my fingers. Half the kids are on vacation anyways, the room is hardly full. As for the kids, they'll paint something new tomorrow and all will be forgotten.
"Thanks," I grunt again, attempting a smooth exit without the kids noticing. A gentle tug at my pant leg tells me I've failed.
Of course, it's Finn, quietly tailing me with the saddest puppy eyes I've ever seen. My heart clenches.
"I'm not feeling well Finn, I'm going to go home to feel better, okay?" I try to explain.
"You didn't say bye," His lower lip trembles and I'm instantly filled with regret.
Getting to my knees, I give him a gentle squeeze around the shoulders. "I'm sorry Finn. I'm not mad at you... I... I just feel a little bit sad today, okay?"
His little brows knit together as he frowns. Finally, he nods, pivoting abruptly and waddling back to the craft table.
With another sigh that seems to take all my energy, I sling my backpack over my shoulder and leave the center.
It's only a little after lunch and I'm not ready to see Grams yet. She'll be checking in on me a lot these next several days. She'll pretend she isn't, but she is. Even Mom, when I'm home to see her, hovers in her own way. Enough to be annoying, but not really available enough to actually be there for me.
I pass the smoothie shop, ignore the two copper heads of hair in line, the ache morphing into a sharp pain in my gut, and follow the sidewalk until I reach the intersection.
Taking the back road, the winding short cut home, my body is numb, my feet moving without my telling them to. They stop as I reach the bend, marked by a silly, wooden cross in the ground.
How ridiculous, that an entire life - one that didn't last nearly long enough, all culminates into two pieces of wood nailed together.
I sink to my butt in the dirt beside the road, refusing to look at the asphalt. I don't see clean pavement. I see the tire marks, the blood stains that were washed away years ago.
For me, though, those things will never fade.
Raising my eyes to the cross, I notice flowers around its base. Bright white roses. The longer I look at them, the angrier I get.
Who left them? Luke? Maya? My teeth grind together, my jaw aching from the effort.
Was it Janet, that nosey bitch and her stupid town council? Keeping poor, poor Casey Anderson's memory alive?
I lean in, squinting.
We love and miss you.
My fingernails break the skin of my palms and I shove myself from the dirt, snatching the bouquet so roughly that petals flutter to my feet, and storm my way through the woods until I find the sand.
Marching my way up to the ocean, I cock my arm back as far as I can, using every bit of my strength to launch the tacky bouquet into the waves. The stupid note slips away, easily getting lost in the current.
With a dissatisfying plop, the flowers hit the water some yards away, getting nearer with each incoming wave and my rage boils over.
"There you go, Casey." I shake my head, a bitter taste on my tongue. "Someone got you flowers for your birthday. They must've forgot you don't like flowers."
"You don't like anything anymore." I hug myself tightly. "Because you're dead."
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another update coming at ya real soon! Like hopefully by tomorrow soon! what do you think will happen next? Casey's birthday... there's gotta be some drama coming there, right? ❤️
