chapter forty-two

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y/n pov

i quickly shut my door with unsteady hands

'that was... interesting'my inner voice says as i trudge towards my bathroom

i look into mirror and when i tell you it is not a pretty sight

my hair is throughly messy, knotted and i swear there is like some dirt or something in it which is vile

as for the rest of me, it doesn't look much better

my body is still coated with sweat from my fight or flight and running, my visible skin has a couple scratches and some dirt on it, i don't doubt there will be bruises in a couple of days and my clothes have seen much better days

i feel disgusting

quickly, i take off the filthy clothes and hop in the shower for a short wash

the water bounced of my skin as i felt the dirt slide away and with it, my problems, well temporarily anyway

but any, i clean my hair and make sure that every part of me had been washed before stepping out and putting on my fluffy towel

i tried to ring my hair out the best i could and then went into my room to retrieve some pjs that i could put on

after i had changed into some joggers and one of the more pj style tops i had gotten, i re-entered the bathroom to begin the night routine i had invented for myself which included brushing my hair, cleaning my face with water, brushing my teeth and using the toilet

once that was completed, i put my clothes from today into a pile so that i would be able to take them for cleaning tomorrow

it's gonna be a while before i can go out and get new clothes after the reaction they had to my little trip with yoongi

laying down, the cold sheets of my bed cling to my skin as i shift uncomfortably to try and find a good sleeping position

i can't tell weather it's the bed that's stopping me from sleeping or my thoughts

there are so many of them and they won't stop popping into my head and filling my mind with fear and doubts

'what if they never let me out again? i will be stuck inside like a prisoner! i can't live like that!!'

'what if they keep arguing with each other and then we spilt apart as a group?' that filled me with dread and probably scared me than many of the other thoughts i had

'what's going to happen in the future?' now that was one i hadn't thought of

my whole life had been quite simple before all this

most of my worries were about school tests and small friendship dramas that would happen from time to time but i always kinda had a plan

i would finish high school, go to college and travel the world

and then eventually settle down with a man or woman or just someone i truly love and maybe adopt a kid or two

i always knew i wanted to get a pet though

weather that was a dog or cat or even a goldfish

i didn't mind

when i was younger i used to have a dog named berry and my family all used to go on walks with him, my mum holding the lead and my dad giving me a piggy back so i could see the world

i always wanted to see the world, to experience different cultures and see different people and eat all the different foods

but now, now i can't

now there is nothing out there, except emptiness and monsters

whether that was the actual zombies or the surviving few, they were all pretty much monsters

that wanted you for what suited them and had no care if you got hurt or not

i'm so lucky to have met taehyung first instead of some creep

and then we met some amazing people along the way who i have grown quite attached to

i can't imagine life without them and i'm scared that something will change and then i won't see them

grabbing the teddy i had hidden under my pillow, i held it close to my chest and hugged it while accidentally letting a few stray tears fall, joining the rest that had already settled on my cheek which must have fallen while i was thinking before

the teddy reminded me of my child hood one, the same colours and design, the same every thing

i remember crying on my bed because of the monster in my closet and yelling for my mum and dads help

they ran to my room and my mother held me as my dad opened the closet to show me there wasn't anything there

even if they were tired or just wanted some time to themselves, they wouldn't leave me if i felt sad or scared or alone

they stayed in my small single bed all night with me and cuddled me to sleep so i knew i was safe

when i woke up my dad was gone but my mother was still ther and she took me downstairs and led me to my dining room chair so i could sit and chat to her while she cooked pancakes and waffles for breakfast

although i was confused at where my dad was, i didn't have to be for long because my mum distracted me by playing music on our old radio and singing it with me until he came back from the store with toppings for our breakfast as well as the teddy bear

they said it would protect me when they weren't with me and that i would never be alone when i had it

feeling that familiar warmth, that i missed so dearly, of the similar teddy bear on my chest, i drifted off to sleep

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