𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 - 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐞 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐭

𝐓𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝

Dealing with things you don't expect is easy.
Sure you have a short moment of panic over calculating everything, rearranging things so it fits again.
People help you in that moment because it happened so unexpected that it couldn't be your fault.

Dealing with things you expect is terrifying. You think you're preparing yourself all the time, planning how things are going to be after the change. The people help you yes, they do in the beginning but after a while everyone gets caught up in their own problems, their own lifes. I can't be mad about it and I'm not going to be because I can understand it.

Why would anyone feel bad for you if you already expected the change?

The turth is, it still hits you like a truck, knocking you off your feet, pressing the air out of your lungs, torturing you with the facts.

I don't know if I felt anything when the doctors told us that my mom was dead. She is dead. Her lungs aren't getting filled with air anymore, her skin is never going to be in that beautiful rosy color again. I'm never going to see her smile at me her eyes lightening up, or scolding Jenna and I when we would fight because of something so unnecessary.

We all knew it would come, it's not like we didn't try to prepare for it emotionally but when it happened the preparation was nothing for the real thing. I don't even know how dad got the strength to plan the funeral in a matter of weeks.

I could barely eat after we walked out of the hospital the last time and to my dismay my teachers weren't empathic enough to let me skip school anymore. Which meant I was spending a lot of my time in school. Or with homework or studying for the finals. It didn't leave much room for grieving and it really hit me when I saw them put the coffin into the hole that was dug.

My hand feels clammy and cold but nonetheless I don't let go of Jenna's who has tears running down her cheeks continueosly, while her eyes already start to puff and get red. Dawson stands on my other side and his warming aura makes the clammy feeling a lot better but it doesn't disappear fully. I'm not crying, I didn't cry once since she's dead and I'm starting to wonder if something is wrong with me.

I can't hear what the priest is saying and I don't care either, the people around us are sniffling or looking at the ground, devastated at the thought that my mother is dead.

A lot of people came which warmed up my dads heart but in the end after all this is over no one is going to come around and we're the ones who are going to be grieving all our lifes long.

"Arwen." Dawson whispers beside me and I stop my stare at the coffin to look up at him surprised. He nods to my hand and I look down as if I wouldn't feel the cold material of the rose in my hand. The thorns cut relivingly into my skin being the only thing that doesn't make me feel numb.

I know what I need to do and I feel everyone's eyes moving towards me which makes me take a few seconds until I get my feet to move. The coffin comes closer with every step I take and I can't take my eyes off of the dark wood. Typically I had to hold a small speech but my family knew I couldn't do it so Tarver got the job.

I just had to do one thing and I was already failing at it. Everyone could see my hand shaking when I slowly put the rose down onto the coffin. I don't know who thought of the idea to do it because it's going to dry out anyways under the earth but I didn't want to stress out my family more than I did anyways.

Once the rose lays lonely on the coffin I grab a handful of earth and throw it before I get back to Dawsons side. Every family member repeats this and the more earth gets thrown onto the coffin the harder it gets to breathe for me and I cling to the black dress shirt of Dawson when the coffin isn't in view anymore.

"..may she rest in peace. I would like to thank everyone who came and offer to light up the candles in the church for our lost soul." The priest words ring in my ears while everyone starts their way from the graveyard towards the church but I can't move my feet.

"Hey what's wrong?" Dawson looks down at me when I grab his wrist shaking my head.

"I don't want to leave." I speak up for the first time today making my voice come out raspy and not as quiet as I wanted to. I look into his eyes which are red brimmed even though he was being really tough and didn't cry. Well not in front of me but I'm sure he did on his own.

"Okay, you don't have to. Stay here and once we're finished I'll come back. Sounds alright?" He asks and I nod while I let out a relieved breath. He kisses the top of my head before he jogs up to the others who are leaving towards the church.

I wait fo them to be out of view and hearing distance before I turn around to the grave. It's tidy now and clean which is a stark contrast to the rest of the graves who already look like they've been here for over a hundred years. It looks like no one visits this grey stones anymore or maybe they would but they are gone too now.

I don't have enough strength to stand anymore so I sit down in front of the grave stone ignoring the fact that my jeans are going to get dirty. I'm probably never going to wear the clothes I wore today again so it doesn't matter anyways.

My eyes fly over the words that are engraved into the cold stone. 'Loved daughter, mother and wife'.

"I hate the fact that I can't even be mad at you." I speak up while I hug my knees to my chest dropping my chin on them.

"I know it's not your fault but I can't help but be more angry than sad. You have it easy, you just left us all here with nothing to hold onto and now we have to just deal with this? How am I supposed to just go on with school and my life when you're not with me to tell me what is wrong and what's right?" I say and wait for a second as if she's going to answer me but she doesn't.

I feel the cold ground beneath me and that my limbs are aching from the uncomfortable position I'm in but I don't move because this is probably the first thing in a week that I'm feeling instead of the uncomfortable numb tingling.

"I'm eighteen for christs sake. I shoudln't be dealing with my moms death. I know that I'm selfish and I know you were hurting but it doesn't seem fair. I know I was acting horrible in the past but was it that bad that whoever decides on things like this thought it was a good idea to make me loose you?" I let out a small shaky breath because I finally feel the tears sting in my eyes before they roll down my cheek.

"I just, I can't go through this alone." I say after I let out a choked sob while an unbearable pain makes it's way into my veins and winds up around my heart. It doesn't matter how much I'm going to complain, my mom is gone and she's not going to come back. I'm too old to play a small child and leave everything as it is but I know I have to keep on going even though I know I'm not going to be able to.

"You don't have to." My head snaps up when someone answers me and I hold my breath when I recognize the black clothed person in front of me.

"What are you doing here?"