Stay With Me - Yeongyu FF

Chapter 48 - Leaving?

Yeonjun POV

"You're not planning on leaving me, are you?"

I purse my lips. I wasn't expecting him to think that. Sure, I'm frightened, and I don't want to hurt myself, because against my parents' warnings, I've fallen too deep, but I know I shouldn't leave Beomgyu alone, not only because I promised I wouldn't, nor because I know he'll need comfort, but because I don't think I can live without him either. That's what's bothering me right now. If I leave him, I'll hurt him, and will have to live without him, but if I stay by his side until he closes his eyes for the last time, I think it'll be an even bigger blow for me.

I know that I'm scaring Beomgyu by not answering, and I know that I am not more important than Beomgyu, so I should stay with him, because I love him, he loves me, and I don't want to hurt him. After all, when he's dead, he can't feel pain anymore, so it'll be less of a hassle to everyone.

"No, I'm not. I have to admit that it crossed my mind, because I wanted to hurt myself less, but I don't want to hurt you, and I still love you" I say, being as honest as possible because I never lied to Beomgyu and don't want to hide even the slightest thing from him.

"It's okay. I understand. Listen, I don't want things to go too fast either, but the doctor also told me before we left that soon enough, my slurs will come back, so I wanted to tell you this before I can't say it correctly anymore.

"I know you know that I've been keeping to myself ever since I got diagnosed with ALS, but my walls have been built before that, when 'Pa committed suicide. Because of this, even the risk anti-socialisation was putting on my life wasn't enough to have me climb these walls. I lost my father, and that made me promise myself never to love a man again. In my mind, whichever man I loved would hurt me as much as my father did. I refused to love, but knowing the type of person I am, I knew that I'd fall for anyone who was willing to take care of me, so I locked my heart. I can't count the number of times I've cried my father's death, can't count the amount of trips I did with 'Ma to his grave to mourn, can't tell how long it's been since I've closed my eyes without seeing him in the dark, can't remember when was the last time he gave me a real hug, now that my mind has started filling his absence with an imaginary ghost-like friend.

"Yet there you were. After nine years, there you were. And I climbed my walls. I fell for you. And this time, instead of being hurt by a man, I'm the one hurting him. I'm sorry. When we started dating, and I started getting better, I thought you were the one for me, the one who'd save me, who'd help me cure this incurable disease. But it seems I've just dreamt too high, expecting too much from myself. It's in no way your fault. And now, we've found ourselves in a situation where I'm about to die and you're gonna be alone.

"But I want you to know this. I love you. I've always loved you and I'll love you till the day I die and after death. I'll love you forever and ever and I'll haunt your dreams with all my love. I want you to keep a vivid, warm memory of me, the type that you think of when telling your friends about something that makes you sigh in remembrance instead of crying. I don't want you to have a too strong memory of my death, so I must ask you this: the day you call me or come to my house and no one is there and it doesn't seem logical, then please, don't come too often. You won't cry from my death as much if you don't witness it"

"Baby…" I say, "I refuse to not be there when you die. I refuse to not give you the last kiss you deserve. I hear you, and I understand your reasons, but I refuse to do what you ask for. I love you just as much as you do, and wish to be there for every stage you face in your illness, even death. I refuse to leave you to die alone, because you're not alone"

By now, I'm crying. I'm crying because the only reason why Beomgyu is telling me all of this is because he feels that he's running out of time. I could tell by his voice that he would've rather tell me everything by small bits, but life isn't giving him the chance to. He's worse than when we met, closer to death than ever before, I'm closer to losing him, yet it doesn't mean that he's going to die tomorrow. He'll wake up, like any other day, and I will too. But the decades of life he could have had will only be taken by me, and he'll die before getting to the half of his third decade of life, while I won't die naturally until another four.

Just knowing this makes me cry even harder, and I end the call, whispering a soft 'I love you' so Beomgyu won't panic too much as I let go of a huge, emotional scream which couldn't make me feel any better than it did. Another weight lifted off another human's chest.

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For some reason, I wanted this chapter to have a title. I might add chapter titles to the others as well in the future, I'll see.

I'm sorry for not updating for so long, I'm not dead though, I just keep forgetting about the existence of this thing 😩😩

The thing is, this is also a short chapter, so I'm double sorry haha

I can't say I promise I'll update faster, but let's say I'll try.

Thank you for your patience, you who have been waiting for almost a month on basically a cliffhanger for an update on this half forgotten story of mine (you're still here? You're persistent, thanks)