Downgrading Miss CEO

Chapter 32

"Julian, what's wrong?"

"I don't know if I can do this, Lucy," he said, avoiding any form or way of making eye contact with me. "You just left this morning. Sure, you said we would talk tonight, but it kind of feels like you're going to put an end to it. I've been walking around with this thought for the entire day and it was the worst feeling."

I took a step closer to him. I needed to feel his warmth, his touch. It almost physically hurt me to be away from him, but as soon as I took a step closer, he took a step back. Tears formed in my eyes. Tears of hurt and sadness. Finally, I had something, someone good in my life and I was doing a damn good job on screwing it up.

I needed to show him I wanted this, that I wanted him. Because if I didn't, this might as well be done. "I don't want to end this. I don't even want to think about this ending. You turned my life upside down, Julian." This was true, not something I said just to keep him around. "You made me see that there's more to life to work. You taught me that life is all about a balance between work and life. You made me want to find a balance."

"Some balance you've found." His voice was low and calm, something that usually scared me. But it wasn't his tone that bothered me. It was the way he looked at me when he said it. If looks could kill, I would certainly be six feet under by now.

And it hurt. The way he looked at me. The venom that sounded through his voice. As if he was doing it deliberately. As if he wanted me to feel that he was feeling, undoubtedly. It should make me angry, but strangely, it doesn't. Because I know what he's doing and why he's doing it.

"I know you don't mean that. You're just trying to hurt me, so, I can't hurt you. You're scared and I'm sorry I gave you any reason to be," I hoped I sounded sincere. "It's a good tactic you're using. It's efficient. I know this because it's a tactic I used over and over again. But not anymore."

Julian's face softened a little bit.

"I won't use it. Not with you. Because I rather get hurt, than losing you. So, lay it on me. Say to me what you have to say because I can take it. I will take it, for you."

Tentatively, I took another step towards him. It was a small step as I didn't want to scare him off, but I did want to know, I needed to know if I could get a little closer to him.

Confusion was showing on his face. He seemed to doubt whether I was serious or not.

"It's okay. I know I'm heavily flawed, and I'm done pretending I'm not. I accept myself as I am. Just as I accept you as you are. Now you just have to choose whether you do the same. You need to choose whether are you think I'm worth it to risk getting hurt"

I took another step closer and I was glad to see that he'd let me. He didn't step back to keep his distance, but he didn't close the rest of the distance either. I guess we weren't there yet and I feared us never getting back there again.

Julian hasn't said a word after his hurting remark about the balance I have between work and my life, and it worried me. He's never been at a loss of words around me, ever. No one ever told me how hard it was to communicate with someone who isn't saying anything back. Sure, he has given me looks, but they are of no use as this man I just unreadable for me. Could that have been one of our problems? That we just didn't understand each other.

"What did my sister tell you that made you pull away this morning?" The desperation in his voice was evident. He needed this piece of information for something. Did he need it to set his mind straight? To figure out where he stood? I didn't know. All I knew was that I owed it to him, to be honest about it.