Emergency Medical Dad

XXVII: late june, present

JESSIE

What happened with her?

It's too big of a question so I stay quiet, huddled into his warm chest, into his exhaustion-soft posture, into his smoky smell, slightly burnt by antiseptic.

His big hand slides around my hip and pulls me a little bit closer, chest expanding against my cheek.

I shouldn't feel so safe like this. I've only known him a month.

"I, I," I push out a breath, unable to conceive how to explain anything. "She wasn't the problem."

His breath stutters but he doesn't stop me from saying that like I'm used to with other people. "What was she like with you?"

It's so much different I have a hard time with it, "um, I don't know, it, it was tough love forever, she, she pushed me and she made sure I was my best and made sure I was presentable in school and she made sure my grades were perfect and that I was perfect, you know, because that's what was expected, and I was a lazy sensitive kid so I wouldn't do stuff and she'd get mad because that's- that's how that works."

He nods, staying quiet.

"And I just, I was tired of being perfect so I picked the most imperfect thing I could do which," I realize who I'm leaning against but it doesn't stop me, he doesn't mind, he won't take it to heart, "was you."

"I know."

"And I guess it was just karma or something and then Connor and I dunno, she just, she hated that I broke who I was for some little night of rebellion. I gave up everything she set up for me just because of- yeah, don't take this to heart, please, don't- this isn't about you it's not- you're okay."

He brushes back my hair, "I know."

"She just, she had it all planned and I messed it up step by step until that night and we were yelling at each other because I was missing something else and she just... gave me an ultimatum. She said she was done letting me have excuses and now it's my job to actually step up to all of it. And- and I couldn't do it, and now, now I'm here."

He doesn't let me push off his chest, strong arm around my chest, holding me down when I try to shove backward. At first it irritates me and then his hand brushes back the hair from behind the lobe of my ear and I crumble down into him, falling apart slowly.

"What were you feeling at the moment?" He asks, quietly, stretching his leg out along my side, cradling me in a fuller way, a way that's making me want to crumble to dust.

"Mad."

"Anything else?"

"Irritated, like... she didn't get it."

"Why?"

"I... didn't have the money, again, and it's my fault because I needed to have found a better paying job and-"

He presses his fingers to my lips, gently, so that if I wanted to pull back I could, but not light enough that I don't get the point. "How much did you need?"

"More, ten dollars an hour more, I did the math."

"And did you have options?"

I shake my head, "it was impossible."

"Then it's not your fault."

I open my lips again to protest but he shifts his hips and I fall easily between his legs, cocooned against him and it makes my thoughts stutter.

"I think..." he breathes in. "I think this wasn't your fault."

"J..." I go to say his full name but all that comes out of my mouth is a soft call of Jay and nothing more.