The Photographer - h.s

Drivers seat

Harry

"This isn't going to go anywhere if you don't tell me the truth."

"I am telling you the truth."

"The whole truth, Harry. You're not wasting my time, I get paid either way, I cannot help you if you don't tell me the entire truth." She told me and I took a deep breathe and nodded, I know she's right, but saying it out loud... saying it to her... it just makes it dig a little deeper.

"I did." I stated and she scoffed.

"'I got drunk and kissed a girl' is not the whole story." She pointed out and I hugged and sat back my seat and looked at her on my laptop screen before nodding. "Why even bother calling me a therapist when all we do is too toe around what you're really dealing with?" She asked and my heart fell a little, she was right, but every time I give her more pieces, the more the learns, and the worse I'll feel when we inevitably have to dive into it and break it all down.

"Listen, Monica, I don't know wha-"

"Do not 'I don't know what else you want me to say' me again." She said, mocking my voice. "You do. You went out with your friends, you kissed a girl, you hurt Vic. What happened when you went outside? It wasn't just 'we had a fight and she left'. Help me, help you."

"You wanna know?" I asked annoyed and I took a deep breath. "I followed her outside and... I crossed a line... a few actually. I was so mad..."

"Why?" She asked quickly and I looked at the wall behind the laptop and focused on a chip in the paint.

"I uh... I don't know. I felt so angry all the time, like my fuse was always so short. I needed it to somehow be her fault," I paused for a moment and looked back at my screen "because I couldn't handle another reason to hate myself." It felt uncomfortable admitting it to her... saying it out loud... admitting to myself.

"So... what happened after you followed her?" She asked and I sighed and shook my head.

"Looks like our time's up." I said bluntly and she pressed her lips together and nodded.

"You're not getting out of it that easily. Keep this on your mind until next week, think about that night again, I know you mentioned anger being in the driver seat, but try and go back and think about what else was going on... who was in the passenger seat?" She asked and I looked back at her and nodded once and forced a smile before ended the call and closing my laptop.

I started therapy about a month ago, I finally admitted to myself I couldn't do it alone... and also a lot of nagging from my sister. I've kept it away from the guys, and only Jeff knows. I just want to keep it for myself for a while, until something comes of it. I guess a small piece of me feels embarrassed- embarrassed that I couldn't do it on my own, and also ashamed it got the point where I needed to look for help. I wonder if she's doing better than I am right now, she removed me as a follower on her social media and set her accounts to private, I think it was partially because of me, but also the spotlight that was casted on her for being apart of my team... she's always been a more private person anyway, it took weeks before she was able to bare any parts of her that she deemed were better kept tucked away.

As much as I love touring, I am getting excited how close to the end we're getting, I'm really looking forward to the final show in LA, and being able to be home again. I am however, just as excited to be traveling through the states and being able to stop at each "state wonder" so we can take a picture. Can you guess who's idea that was...? We're in Chicago and you bet that Mackenzie made us all go see that giant bean and take a picture... but she was right, it was pretty cool, and we did all have fun. I just wish Vic got to do this with us, I know she would've loved it, she always talks about how she can't wait to "see more of everything"...  I hope she's found her own way to do that.

I've been trying to do more of that myself, see more of everything, trying to lay out my cards and see my entire hand, and honestly right now, I just feel like folding. I've been trying to find a way to sort out all my thoughts, it's why I got a therapist, it's why I have a journal... it's just getting so hard, there's a million things bouncing around in my head, and they just keep coming so fast I can't even make a priority list. It feels so messy right now. And I don't necessarily feel unhappy, don't get me wrong, I get to do what I love everyday, and see all of the people who got me here and give them what I can, but... sometimes it's just hard, and i feel so selfish for not being able to feel it sometimes.

I got up from the table and walked over to the mini fridge and grabbed a beer from the bottom rom, before sitting down in the bed, resting my back against the wall and turning the tv in front of me on and trying to find something semi-decent to watch. It all feels so rehearsed recently, I get up, do paperwork, write, work, get ready, do a show, go back to the bus or hotel, feel like... this, and then I go to sleep to repeat it all again the next day. The shows are the only times I actually feel awake... like I'm actually doing something. The days just feel like their melting into each other lately, it's hard to keep track of each one, my head feels so... full and so cluttered. Things never felt this muddy before she left.

I placed another empty bottle in the sink, making my tally for the night 8, just making the ground under me feel like it's beginning to sway and made my way back to the couch and then laid down. And between then and now, my feet picked me up and carried me to the car I had taken to get me back to my hotel. I'm not sure how I got here, I don't actually remember even putting shoes on. I put the key in the ignition and twisted the key, staring the engine, I placed my hands on the wheel and held it tightly, gripping it until my knuckles turned white, and closed my eyes. I opened my eyes and stared forward at the wall I parked just a few feet in front of for just a few moments before pulling out my phone and dialing the number, it rang too many times before putting me through to voicemail, I was going to hang up but, when I heard her voice I couldn't stop myself from waiting.

"Hi, you want reached Victoria Townes, I'm sorry I missed you, just leave your name and a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible! Thanks!" Her voice was so light and so friendly and warm, it's been 3 months since I've heard it... I didn't realize how much I missed the sound of her voice... of her laugh. I wonder if she's been laughing, if she's been happier... I wonder if she's okay, because every time I tell myself I'm over it, that I'm okay, something reminds me of her, and I feel like the ground might open up and swallow me whole some days.

I heard the tone of her voicemail memo end and I quickly hung up the phone, holding it tightly in my hand for a moment and shaking my head before slamming my hand on the wheel and throwing my phone at the dash, I started hitting my hands on the wheel and squeezed my eyes shut as they filled with tears.

"God. Fucking. Damnit!" I shouted and slammed on the wheel which each word before I let my hands rest on the top and then slide down the sides as I turned the key, turning the engine off and taking the keys from the ignition and tossing them on the passenger seat, as the sound of my heavy breathing and soft sobs filled the quiet car. I don't know who I am right now... I don't recognize this mess of who I've boiled myself down to, everything just feels sorta... dark.

The scene of us storming out of that bar played in my head like a movie being slowed down, watching her turn around, and the look on her face when she saw me standing in front of her... my therapist asked me to try and put a name on the emotions I was feeling, to slow down and call them out... she asked me to try and pinpoint what all of my anger was holding hands with... and it was shame.