✿ first impression: title, cover and description (10/15)
although the title is great and holds a humorous sound to it, it's very long. it's nine words, c'mon now haha. also, articles in the middle of the title should be lowercase. you also don't need to say it's ongoing in the title. here's my suggestion to shorten the title:
Animals' Dictatorship: A Carrot Union Diary
the cover is okay, but the title is a little unclear since it's the same colour as the striped background. consider editing that bit. overall, there was a lot of red and yellow in it that could be annoying for the eyes.
i liked the descriptions. the worldbuilding of a rabbit land sounded interesting. a story from a rabbit pov is interesting. the only thing i'm not sure of is the capitalisation of some words. it depends on what are proper nouns in your world. also, i'd advise moving the reviews to the end. readers need to see the summary before the reviews.
also, credit me for reviewing only when the review is published XD
✿ plot (19/20)
i loved the humorous worldbuilding at the beginning of chapter one. it flowed nicely, and i could imagine the narrator's surroundings easily.
when leon met imran, i could see the plot start to unfold nicely after a little worldbuilding. leon is frustrated. in the next chapter, you talk about his job and crush, great progress. as story told through a diary, it sounded very personal. so, it was solely about leon's life and his ambition for a promotion in a country of capitalism. that's what i understood at least. while the storyline wasn't the most unique, i'd keep reading for the humour and interest in an animal world.
✿ characters (18/20)
leon sounded sarcastic and so done with the country, haha. i also noticed him being extremely careless. when he left imran and dead hammy. he was clearly not a sentimental character. his lifestyle must be the reason as their country was unlikeable.
on the other hand, i didn't understand his motive beyond taking his manager's place and getting his crush to notice him. in chapter 3, his mood in the pub changed drastically from hilariously sarcastic to depressed. what did he need from the job? the money because he was poor? the power because he was oppressed? or he wanted to make the city better? or the secretary because he felt lonely? i felt as if leon's motive was a bit vague, but while the story gave me a laugh, i didn't care much. it was enjoyable to read.
i asked you on your board, and your answer was great! try to incorporate it in the story. explain why leon really wants that job or that woman. i could blame first-person writing for making this vague, but you can easily convey it when he first explains he wants that promotion.
but overall, leon is consistent and well-crafted.
✿ grammar (10/15)
□ you don't always enclose the quotation marks with the right punctuation mark.
→ When you use a speech tag (said and anything in the meaning of it: whisper, mutter...), you enclose with a comma and the word after the quotation isn't capitalised.
e.g. "She is lovely," she said.
OR: She said, "She is lovely."
→ When you use something other than that, aka dialogue beats (a description of the physical action a character makes while speaking), you enclose with a period and the next word is capitalised.
e.g. "She is lovely." She nodded.
□ missing commas that could be fished easily by a simple editor like ms word editor, and sometimes, you'd forget to end a paragraph with a period instead of a comma or close quotation marks.
□ there was a lot of tense-hopping in the story. sometimes you narrate in past, others in present. it wasn't clear which tense you picked. stick to one tense throughout everything (literally, except inside dialogue). you were hopping to present most while leon was narrating, then using past again here and there while tagging dialogues.
✿ writing style (25/30)
right from the start, you gave me a good laugh. you were writibg informally, but i didn't mind. imagining a country of animals with laws and people is ridiculous, lol. and imagining cats as the supreme species and the ruler? that was legendary. i love cats. they're silly and funny.
idk if it was intentional, but i felt a lot of shading in the story as if it trivially told our reality using animals. racism, corruption, and capitalism. i loved this.
the narration flowed nicely and represented leon very well. it was consistent. but i must say, it didn't feel much like a diary until chap3. the first two chapters don't give much of the vibe.
sometimes, however, the language used is a little complicated. the words, the wording, and such. i'm not sure whether english is your first language. consider your audience to have general knowledge and use simpler wording often. i didn't have a problem myself, but i'm speaking for those who can't. but in the end, it's totally your choice.
while you did great at worldbuilding, you didn't describe the characters enough. did these animals walk on twos and have facial expressions like humans, or straight faces like the animals we know? were they tall or small like real rabbits? the cover had a comic vibe, but i wasn't sure whether it's the same image you wanted us to imagine of the characters, especially when you described the rabbit in the cell to have long legs. i found myself struggling between that image and the real image i know of rabbits.
paragraphing error: the paragraph of the dialogue should only have what the character said and the speech tag/dialogue beats. you could add further thoughts about the said dialogue, too. everything else is irrelevant and should be in a separate paragraph. beware not to drag on paragraphs.
i noticed an overuse of exclamation marks through the narration. it's not wrong but could get distracting to readers. it wasn't necessary. it rather was cringy more than funny when overused, as if you were telling us that line is supposed to make me laugh. the reader can figure this alone. a period would do better.
you shouldn't use all uppercase in professional writing. if you mean to convey surprise or such, simply use italics and an exclamation mark at the end (but without overuse as i explained).
and that's all! not much to say as the writing was enjoyable and humorous as intended.
✿ overall (82/100)
i loved this book. it gave me a good laugh. wherever i deducted marks, i believe it's easily fixed, such as grammar. the writer has the sense of humour required to make it a nice read.
added to my reading list & and pending on my reading queue!
thank you for entrusting me with your book. happy writing!
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Anna's Reviews
Non-Fiction[ closed ] get a detailed review and in-depth analysis from a self-taught literature student. sometimes, i do special reviews while requesting is closed. it doesn't mean you can request too. but hey, maybe i'll take a special request from you if...
