AMAANI COMPLETE ✔️

'23

(Edited)

I might not feel your pain Amaani but I felt my pain at least I want to. I want to listen, to wrap my arms around you, to tell you that you are NOT alone, that people care, that this will pass, that life CAN get better, that there IS hope, that NOTHING is unforgiveable or irreversible.

Know that brains lie, and yours is no exception! Question it. Challenge it. Fight back! You DO have worth! Things CAN get better! It will not always feel like this. These thoughts and feelings will pass if you can hang on. You are strong. The fact that you're still here is a testament to that. Even the strongest need a hand sometime, though, so share your burden (and know that YOU as a person are NOT a burden). It will be easier to carry, possible to endure, with help okay?

"Okay,thank you Mami,I love you so much"I answered with tears swollen in my ears threaten to fall,I feel as if my eyes want to remove out if it's sockets because I've cried and cried to the extent I can't see much well,I see blurry views.

"I love you too,I don't want to loose you else-everyone will lose me too"

"I'm sorry Mami I won't ever try that again,I just couldn't fight my thoughts"I understand it's okay,she said while pecking me on my cheeks.

      I know the heartbreak that sets in as the shock wears off and you realize that your person is gone. This is not a bad dream. You're awake, and it sucks. I know the deeper layer of heartbreak that comes with the realization of just how much pain your person must have been in Amaani.The weight is crushing.

You'll want to go down the If Only path, but don't. That will only result in endless loops of anguish and no real clarity. Know that it is not your fault.

I was struggling with wanting to understand WHY this happened. But I know  that i may never fully understand your  state of mind or the factors that led to you committing suicide or you wanting to die. I  may never have a satisfactory explanation.

But I Know that it's ok if i feel angry, but understand what happened. In the mind of someone who's wanting to die or commit suicide, they are a burden to others and do not belong. You and I know that's not true, but in your  mind, riddled with the insidious lies of Depression, they did not. They believed, TRULY believed that that their existence caused pain and that the world would be better off without them. From their perspective, their last act was a selfless one or one of mercy to end suffering. That's the tragedy of suicide.

You feel lost and stuck as the rest of the world continues on like nothing has changed...but things will never be the same. The waves of grief that crash over you now, buckling your knees and taking your breath away, will gradually slow down. They will begin to come less often and with less intensity.You'll find yourself feeling (almost) normal for increasing periods. You'll stop feeling like you're drowning, but it will never completely stop hurting.

Know that you WILL be ok. It's going to hurt...a lot and for a long time. There's no way around it and no way to avoid it. But know that you CAN get through this inshallah.

"Awwwwwwwn I love you so much Mami"what would I ever do without you? "nothing of course"

Dr.Rayyan came in and gave me a quick checkup,after pleading with him for like forever he finally decided to discharge me,Abba is done with the discharge papers and right now we're heading home,I can't be more happy because right now I feel like everyone wants to strangle me to death,I just hope They all don't hate me now.i heaved a sigh and walk down to the parking lot with Mami on my side like a life saver,we headed home straight away and I ran to my room freshen up and wore my Sofia PJ i was about to land my fat ass on bed when Halima walked in the room with the girls,I stood in my spot until and they walked straight over to where I was.

"Hello?" Maryam said waving her hands.

"Young lady I can see"

"Ooh so now you've forgotten our names?"nice then.

"Come on  girls don't act like I'm some kind of stranger to y'all,it doesn't feel comfortable pls"I said a little annoyed.

"Yeah we're hear to talk actually,to say some sense into your bad ass sense which got you hanging your self up there"Fatiti said pointing a finger at the spot.

"Girls I'm not ready to talk about anything as you can see,pls just let me be"I pleaded.

"Well news flash Cx we gonna talk now or never babe,so get your mind off that and stay Lowkey"

"Then explain why on earth you did that?"The girls authoritatively demanded

"I...I..." i stammered

"You've got just a minute to do so"and that was Halima,she interrupted me her voice stiff.

"We just can't let you go after what you did Amaani" Fatiti said and shook her head disapprovingly "it doesn't work like that"

"Have a sit first"I offered them a sit.

"When I'm convinced that everyone would be better off without me, I challenge those thoughts,

My loved ones would never want me to die by suicide, but when I'm in crisis, it's hard for me to think clearly.

There's a voice in my head that tells me how much better off my parents would be if they didn't need to support me and deal with my tantrums , or if my friends didn't have to take care of me when I'm at my worst,beside no one wants a friend who's been suffering all his life,who's life has been fucked up from the very start,who has worries etched on her face all the time,Mami wouldn't worry about me or shout at mama,mama Wouldn't have to be worried to receive insults from the family members-she would be loved and cherished,My siblings wouldn't have to feel bad and guilty for not standing up for their mother and as well Mami would love them unconditionally,Ya zuzu wouldn't have to worry about me no more,and my mum wouldn't have to create a scene all the time,No one would have to answer the late-night calls and texts or come over when I'm in the midst of a breakdown — isn't that better for everyone?for Abba?mama?mum?Mami?my siblings and y'all?

But the reality is, I'm the only one that thinks that.

My family wouldn't recover if I died, and my loved ones know that being there for someone when things get tough is a part of life. They would rather answer those late-night calls than lose me forever, even if I struggle to believe that in the moment.

When I'm in this headspace, it usually helps to spend some time in a different world-my diary, my rescue,He's my best friend and has been there through it all this past year.

Sometimes that thought alone is enough to keep me hanging on.

"Who on earth told you that?your fucking sense?do you know how much we all have been worried?losing someone as precious as you are,do you know how rare you are?your life time experience makes you unique girl,you are a rare gem and always remember Through all the storms and struggles

All the fights and tussles,

All the disrespect and abuse,

Our love for you will always be true forever and ever inshallah"

"Thank you girls so much,i love y'all"I said while giving them a family cozy hug,we had dinner and they said their goodbyes and headedb home.