Finding You

Chapter 15 - I Guess We're Both Insane

*Flashback*

I'm sitting in my room, watching my mom move from place to place as she gathers laundry, and the guilt is honestly starting to eat me alive.

I've been dating Sean on and off for about eight months now, and I still haven't told my parents a single thing. Every time I'm out with him, I lie and say I'm with someone else, or I and the constant looming threat of being caught is killing me.

I'm not sure if I can take it anymore.

It's so hard to smile in my parents' faces, to pretend that I'm this perfect daughter, when the whole time, I'm keeping this huge secret from them.

My parents have always been strict about boys and dating. It's something they take very seriously, and if there's one thing that definitely wouldn't be allowed, it's a casual high school relationships.

So when things started between me and Sean, I figured the smart move would be to wait until things were more serious, and then tell them about it.

But then waiting turned into waiting longer, and then it turned into being afraid to tell them at all, and now it's been eight months, and I haven't said a word.

You have to understand, this is a huge deal for me. I'm not the girl who lies to her parents. I'm not the girl who sneaks around with boys, I'm not the girl who does things that she knows are wrong.

But the more I do those things, the harder it is to keep telling myself that. The more I do those things, the more I realize, I don't know who I am anymore.

And I don't like it.

"Hey, Mom," I call out before I can stop myself.

My heart beats wildly against my chest and my head spins as I try to convince myself that what I'm about to do is the right thing, that telling the truth will make everything better, easier.

"Yeah, hun, what is it?" she asks, distracted as she folds a shirt.

Come on, Mia, you can do this. I take a deep breath as I finally pluck up the courage to speak.

"Um.. I was just wondering..," I start, as she finally glances up at me, obviously hearing the tension in my voice.

Suddenly, I get the feeling that I'm standing at the edge of a cliff, about to jump off without a parachute, and it makes me lose my nerve.

"I was just wondering what's for dinner tonight?" I finish instead.

She gives me a confused look, like that wasn't what she was expecting me to say. "Oh," she says. "I figured we'd try this new pasta recipe I saw online. Why?"

I avoid her gaze and stare at my bedspread like my life depends on it. "Oh, no reason. I was just curious."

She gives me a look. "Mia, if anything were going on with you," she says, "you'd tell us right?"

I can feel my heart drop into my stomach when she asks me this, and I swear I'm going to be sick. "Yeah, of course," I answer, wtih a smile.

Then she gives me that look that only moms can give, that look that says she knows something's going on, but she's not going to press me about it.

At least not tonight.

"Well, alright. I'm going to finish this laundry. Dinner's in an hour, okay?" she says, grabbing the basket of clothes.

"Okay," I reply.

The second she leaves the room, I fall back on my bed and let out a breath I feel like I've been holding forever.