FLAWLESS - J. MAYBANK

xvii. let me go

For what felt like the millionth time in one week, Maelynn woke up in JJ's room. They had moved overnight so his face was buried in her chest, with his arms around her waist and their legs entangled. She softly ran her fingers through his hair and sighed. 

They hadn't really talked about the day before, as JJ was incredibly drunk and they both just wanted to sleep. She was left feeling a little burnt out. His words played through her head again and again. His apology was a nice one, but it couldn't erase what he said. 

He wasn't even the first to suggest it. That's what made it stick. 

As a child, she was always told how much better Sarah was doing. She was compared to her twin day in and day out. Rafe, ever the asshole he was (especially as a preteen) would make comments on how she was too helpless and sensitive to ever amount to anything. Ward would get angry if she would cry while getting feedback. Rose couldn't handle anyone ever acting like a child. Sarah got annoyed if Maelynn wouldn't do everything she said. Wheezie needed someone stable and in charge. 

Maelynn never seemed to fit the bill for anyone. 

So she drew in. She stuffed all of her feelings into a ball and buried them deep inside her mind, where no one would find them. She was nice to everyone - even when they were assholes to her. She did anything Sarah wanted her to. She stood up to Rafe and earned his respect. She became more social and mature to please Ward, Rose and Wheezie. Everything she had felt made her who she was got hidden so others would like her. 

But when she met the pogues, she let some of that guard slip. She was annoyed and critical and told them when things weren't a good idea. Her smiles were real and almost constant. If she didn't like someone, she made it known. She was overfeeling and let her emotions out. And then, one of the first times she made it known someone's plan was shitty and dangerous, no one listened or backed her up. She was far too stubborn to change her mind. They didn't care. 

'You okay?'

She looked down at JJ and mustered a little smile. 'Fine.'

He sat up and leaned over her, resting on one elbow while his free hand brushed hair out of her face. 'I know something's wrong, Mae. You can talk to me.'

'What made you decide telling me I wasn't helpful was the right insult?'

'There weren't actual thoughts,' he replied softly. 'I just said the first thing that came to mind. I was trying so hard to come up with something to hurt you, and all I could think was, she's done so much for us. So I knew the whole time that you aren't unhelpful. Helpful was just the only coherent word in my mind.'

'Oh.'

'Why?'

She hesitated for a minute. Was she really wanting to tell him the most hidden thing about herself? One more glance at his worried face gave her the answer. 

'It might take a while to explain.'

He smiled and kissed her. 'I've got all the time in the world, princess.'

ミ⛧ ミ⛧ ミ⛧

They stood in the kitchen a little while later, Maelynn scouring the cabinets for food that wasn't disgusting or expired and JJ simply watching her. 

With a cheer she pulled out a package of macaroni. 'Breakfast?'

JJ smiled. 'Perfect.'

She smiled back and got the water ready, giving it a little while to boil. JJ came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. With his head resting on her shoulder, and her hand on his cheek, they began to sway from side to side.