𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐲𝐳𝐞𝐝 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 ✔︎

[Husna] ||26||

•Husna•

I had had dreams before,dreams when Bilal would come and finally we would be able to see each other enoughly,somewhere it will be full blossom of our life,after all the difficulties,there would be a pace,an unending peace. But there happened nothing alike to my dream,when Bilal came,he was full of hatred, precisely for me. It occurred to me that my world was coming to an end,I had no reasons to breathe,a betrayal was etched. Ironically,the same condition was applied for Bilal at that time. Even he was feeling betrayed as I imagined. He was in darkness, among the lies and he was unaware of my state. So, I couldn't blame him,but whom could I even blame? Myself,of course. When there was no one to blame,I was the easiest to be accused. And I was so.

And when he came,it was unexpected, poignantly pleasant. But when I had those words stabbed in my chest, the accusations, the faults that I never did-a part of me was annihilated. A big part. All those days which I spent in difficulties didn't deserve such a welcome. I knew, Bilal was misunderstanding me, I knew, it was not his fault, I knew, the circumstances had him believed in those words but still-but verily, I was broken. That was unbearable. I needed to speak, speak aggressively, loudly-which I didn't want to do. But I did. I made Bilal believe in me with my words, the truth, and he did. That was still not balming my wound, because it was a permanent scar. I had not complained Bilal, for his quick decision of disbelieving me, rather, I was disappointed on God for punishing me with such agony.

What did I not do, to get some affection? Didn't I deserve some more? Some more of my deed? But no, my expectations were decaying, God was not pleased, I had thought.
I was becoming rageful of the consequences I had to face. I had been there, always but still Bilal said I was unkind, those words enrolling from his lips were nearly daggers, sharp and dazzling, ready to cut my heart in two pieces. They did, as I collapsed. There were so many misunderstandings that were vague and hard to clear.

The while I was cursing my fate,a miracle was done, out of all the undoing changes. Bilal finally took me in arms, believed in my words. Though I had to toil for it,it was written in my fate,to be believed.

And when I thought I was about to start a new season of life,there were more difficulties. Baba came at ours'. I again had to toil for living at my own home,with Ma,only for Ma.

I had managed to pacify Baba,with a disheartened look on my face. I assured him thousands times,it was okay,Bilal was home now.We will manage .I want to serve Ma,with my will,no force.

He agreed,not too pleasant with his decision. He left after lunch,with some breads along with noodles I had made with hurry. Everything looked calmed after his departure,after I had broken my own father's heart and dismissed his concern. It hurted, deeply.

The thing that didn't stop bothering me was Bilal's effortlessness. He merely protested on my side. He was quite,all the time,just staring. It was more surprising than disappointing.
Something was off with him, something was still hideous,after all the disclosures we are talking about.

No matter what,I stayed,I kept my sentiments to me,not too exposing it on my face. Bilal was uplifted in contacting with his army camp. He said he would manage to recify all the mistakes and kept apologizing about all the situations that were drawn as sorrowful for me.

Everything was normalizing,bit of fastness among them. Bilal bought the groceries,cleaned the house with me,helped me in feeding Ma though it was needless,that day,Baba left. We spent some time at the balcony in the thick air of spring,which was memorable in my life. I had told him what I felt,what I had been feeling over this year. He told too,what melted my heart.

Maybe it was the fruit I was waiting for. To be loved.