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| Eleanor |

"I. .I don't know what to say. .," I trailed off , my heart getting heavy and heavier with each word he said.

It was as if. . .as if his anguish was making its way through me , passing through me.

His eyes were downcast , his thumb drawing circles in the middle of my palm.

The environment got so down and chalky. .I felt the need to lighten it up.

"Actually no. .I do have one thing to say." I said slowly, watching him giving me a half hearted smile.

"The truth is. .you never know whose sky you're lighting up by being just you, Ryan."

He glanced up at me.

"And whose sky I'm lighting up?" His eyes sparked up with. . something.

I had no shame to admit it out loud.

"Mine." I whispered.

His smile deepened and before I could blink, he snatched me up so fast my head spun! I was crushed against his chest as he laid down on the bed , his arms around me—my face into his neck.

All of this. .felt normal.

I was home.

"I think. .you like me." He chuckled softly, his hand brushing down my hair.

"I think so too. I have no idea how you wormed up in my life and turned into someone I can't let go of." Scowling , I did try to smack at his hard chest.

"Is it too early to say I love you?" He said it in such a calm manner . .I tried to pull back so I could look at him but he didn't let me budge.

"You—," I struggled," you love me?" My tone was shrill.

"I'm afraid so."

"But—i'm not lovable!" I sputtered.

My reaction wasn't normal to love. I had never experienced anything like love. I had been told I was too straight forward, too harsh, too weird—

"You said I'm kind. Well then your jagged edges fit right against my soft ones." He gave me the most mind boggling logic ever.

Normal girls scream , kiss , cry when they get the confession.

I. . .wallowed in misery.

Snuggled in his warmth, I was trying to think of what made him fall for me?

I came up blank.

"Stop overthinking. Let things be, alright?" He said and then kissed the crown of my head!

I jumped out of my skin.

He wasn't—

Were we kissing now?

He laughed at my reaction, his chest rumbling underneath me.

Muttering darkly, I hid back into his neck.

"It makes me wonder what you'll do when we actually do the deed." He smirked.

"Over my dead body."

"Sure."

He was smirking wasn't he?

I smacked at his chest and this time he caught my hand , not letting go.

"I love you because there is no other Eleanor. I can't make any other girl blush but Eleanor. I can't cook for any other girl but Eleanor. No girl can give me reactions like Eleanor. Much to my dismay, my hot bod have zero affect on Eleanor. The more I get to know Eleanor, the more I want her. The more I need her. ."

I could feel my nose stinging.

Was i going to cry now?!

He was playing with my heartstrings! How could I not?!

Biting my lower lip, I tried to be level headed.

"Thanks." I could barely mange saying that.

"The pleasure is all mine , Queen Eleanor." He mocked but I could hear the genuine happiness in his voice.

A comfortable silence fell on us. Maybe this is what love was all about? To enjoy the silence too. To feel each other breathing , thinking. .this was my kind of fairytale.

I knew. .knew I was in love with him.

But every time I tried to spit it out my tongue got tied. My parents weren't exactly the I love you or lets hug kind of people. It was hard for me to express myself.

"Who was that boy?" I asked.

He didn't answer for one minute straight and then he sighed.

"My brother, Dean."

Now, I made him let go of me and I fell on to the space beside him. .cross legged while his head was up against the headboard, watching me with those glorious eyes.

"Dean? The one you—you—,"

"The one I'm distant with." He helped me out.

"Right. So that day you were trying to—,"

"Settle things down."

I nodded now understanding his reaction that day when he had lashed out at me.

To be honest, I wasn't sorry at all for butting in but. . .

Taking his hand in mine, I slid my fingers through his. "I'm sorry for butting in."

"Don't be."

"Umm also. .I'm . . hungry."

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He got me a hot plate of mac n cheese but he didn't eat with me.

I shrugged carelessly. "I only offered out of courtesy. I don't share food."

He surrendered his hands.

"Dive in."

I did.

Munching on, I watched him move around the room . . going to bathroom and then back inside. He went towards the bedside table as I loaded a spoonful of the goodness.

My brows knotted together when I saw him getting a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

I couldn't talk because I had my mouthful.

Ryan took the couch and he lit up the butt of the cigarette like he couldn't wait.

I swallowed in a rush.

"Wait!"

He stopped, giving me a questionable stare. .

"Won't that hurt your lip?"

He didn't reply as he took a swig of it.

"Addiction don't hurt."

"That's stupid."

His face got enveloped by the smoke , the smell of nicotine getting in my lungs.

Ryan nodded slowly. "People who self harm, they are literally carving on their skin. The addiction makes them not feel the pain of it. I had to replace one addiction with other and if I let this go," he waved the cigarette," I might die. Won't be a pretty death."

"Why can't you replace it with coffee?"

Ryan gave me a dry hollow laugh.

"I did. It failed. Might sound morbid but people like me, ex druggies, they want something to kill them. Coffee don't kill. Cigarette burns my insides . In a twisted way, we're addicted to pain. Harm. "

The spoonful of food was hanging in the air while I tried to process what he said. I didn't get half the things he said right now.

How could any human be addicted to pain?

"I wish I could say I understand."

"You don't have to , Eleanor. You listen and that's all I need."

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