Muse [18+] • REVISING

Vera's Letter

The letter Vera wrote the day before Damien left Paris.

❦ 

Cher D,

I will be the first to admit that our love was tumultuous in the most passionate way and I wouldn't have traded it for the world. For the first time in my life, someone met me halfway and although we never liked the idea of ownership beyond the sheets, in the back of my mind, I was yours.

It wasn't until you kissed me in that hospital room where I felt something change between us. My feelings towards you only grew, we both know that now but after that kiss, yours seemed to speed up and throw you into oncoming traffic, despite you never telling me how you felt at the time. You and I built our love off of unspoken trust and I think the way we treated each other, the sentimental exchanges, said their I love you's so we didn't have to.

You ended up telling me only a few days ago that you loved me and I returned the tender feeling tenfold. That being said, I need you to know that three words do not equate to what I feel for you. I could confess the phrase each morning and each night and it would never compare as you are every granule of sand that we joked about counting, every star that refuses to burn out, every ounce of water that makes up the world's oceans. You deserve whole dictionaries with declarations of my love for you as you are too complex for only three words.

Still, I settle and I'll tell you once more, I love you.

I know you've told me not to pity you and so I won't but you deserve an apology from the very universe that demanded you to endure all the pain that you have. I am no universe but know that I am sorry for the way life has treated you. There are always pieces to be picked up from the heartbreaks you've been dealt because although a dustpan and broom might do its job, there are still the most minuscule fragments that hide in the nooks of the earth and I am not built to fix such a thing. But, you'll always find me somewhere in the garden, ready to plant calla lilies over the mess you've suffered as a way of telling you that I am still here.

I cannot thank you enough for the short time that you have given me as I have felt more alive these past few months than I have in my twenty-one years on this earth. You've shown me how to be soft but how to remain resilient. You've kept me on my toes and taught me how to carry my weight and push my way into rooms full of people that have only seen me as a mouse. You've hammered avant-garde ethos into me that has kept me driven and passionate in everything that I do, despite constantly playing with the unknown.

But most of all, I know how to love because of you.

You've allowed me to experience the world through just the touch of your hands and no amount of miles will ever change the fact that a piece of you is forever branded on my skin. I'm upset I couldn't stash away each of your kisses as there were hundreds of moments that I took for granted, thinking there would be hundreds more. Nevertheless, I am still grateful I have gotten the chance to speak your name as it is impossible to forget someone like you.

No matter how much it sounds like one, this is not a goodbye. Knowing the kind of person you are, you'll somehow show up everywhere I go even if you're not really with me anymore. I know you'll make the most of whatever you're given next. We've always talked about you deserving happiness more than anyone. And if fate permits, I'll see you again.

We'll survive, you and I. Maybe not now but we will.

Je t'aime, V