We Go Down (Bremmy 2)

Chapterish 53

Brooks's eyes flicker toward my thumbs rolling over my water bottle label engagement ring. I notice the dark circles under his eyes.

"Is it this?" I hold up my hand, inching slightly toward him across our sheets. "I can stop wearing it if it's going to make you crazy-"

"It's not it, it's just what it means," Brooks finally spits it out.

"What it means," I repeat quietly. Remain calm, Emmy. He's just being moody. "Are you trying to rescind your pseudo proposal?"

My voice sounds strange, like it's masking my true accusation under a layer of false pleasantry.

It is. I am.

"We don't have to do this here, now. We've got time. Let's just wait-" He begins.

"Wait? For what? The vacation to be over? Their wedding to be over?" I raise my voice unintentionally. My skin feels warm and prickly all the sudden.

"Wait for a better time. So we don't ruin the rest of vacation," he says lamely.

"God forbid. Though I'm not sure what you call this," I say, gesticulating violently.

Brooks looks at me, all hope lost in his eyes. My eyes move from his and start staring at his tan kneecap. It's all I can focus on.

"I love you, Ems," he breathes.

It's the way he says it that cripples my very core. I hear the word before it even passes my lips.

"But?" I ask venomously.

"I just don't know what I want right now. It's like I need to re-evaluate or recalibrate everything in my life. Everything is too much," he says.

I think about what Brody said last night. About Brooks not being able to hold his shit together. Well, shit is currently unraveling, so points for Baby Brooks.

"Everything as in us?" How I'm keeping my voice calm right now is an undiscovered talent. "How are you JUST deciding this now?"

"I'm not just deciding this. When I think about us, it's always what I want, but can't have. Like it's too ideal or some shit. If that makes any sense," Brooks says.

"It doesn't," I tell him. "It's too ideal so you can't have it? Do you even hear yourself right now? Two days ago I was the sunset to you -the whole fucking sky -and now you're literally making up a reason to break us up!"

"I meant what I said, Ems. Everything. You are my sunset! And I don't want to break up," Brooks says, defensive. "I think we -I -just need to pause things. Until we can figure them out long-term."

"Pause things? PAUSE?" I shriek. "What the fuck is the point of pausing? We aren't 17. We aren't even 25. We're gonna be fucking 30 next year."

"Exactly!" Brooks's voice raises slightly for the first time. "And we're no closer to living a conjoined life now than we were two years ago. We live on opposite ends of the fucking country, Em. You can't tell me you haven't thought about it."

"We do. And I have. But it's the type of thing you figure out while together, not pausing like some bitch."

I stand from the bed, pacing for something to do. None of this makes sense! I cannot even contain myself. Something doesn't feel right. "What else aren't you telling me?"

"I'm not not telling you anything. Let's just take a minute, maybe a few weeks or a month and figure out a plan," Brooks says, walking to join me against the windows. "We can't just dive into this and expect it all to work out-"

"Dive in? DIVE IN? Brooks, it's been like 2 years we've been going at this again," I tell him. "Why are you so fucking afraid of having something real?"

"That's rich coming from you. I seem to remember getting there first last year," Brooks says, eyes narrowed.

My mind flashes back to last Valentine's Day in Seattle. The day Brooks dropped the L bomb and the following months that ensued. I shake my head clear.

"A lot can change in a year," I almost whisper. "People too. Then again, I guess you always did enjoy a masochistic self-sabotage."

"Ems-" Brooks tries to reach for me.

"I just can't believe you're doing this now. NOW!"

I try to scream away the tears, but it's no use. They're too close now. Flood gates can't hold out forever.

"There was never going to be a good time to bring it up. That's why I wanted to wait," Brooks pleas.

"And just leave me to think everything is fine? Everything is great when really you want out?" I accuse.

"I don't want out, not forever-"

"Not forever?" I laugh? "How's this for a plan? I don't believe in breaks. So the pause is a hard pass for me." I turn on my heel to walk away from him.

"I don't want to lose you, Emmy, or lose us-" Brooks says, chasing after me.

"You don't want to lose me, but you still want a break?" I ask, raising my eyebrow. I am fuming. "How does that make sense in your head?"

Brooks doesn't answer with words. He merely shrugs, defeated. A raging monster springs to life inside me and I leave the room without another word.

"Emmy!" Brooks's footsteps thump down the corridor after me. "Wait!"