FLAWLESS - J. MAYBANK

xxiv. goodbye

My Maelynn,

Hello, love. I think this idea is a bit weird, but I think someone did it in a movie or something, so I'm writing you a letter even though you're gone. Fun times. 

I adopted a new kitten and named her Andromeda, Andie for short. She and Cassie are the cutest pair of sisters you've ever seen. She's all black. Sarah told me that's what you wanted when you were younger. 

Oh, yeah! John B and Sarah aren't dead after all! They've come home and told us their harrowing tale of being stowaways, distrusting each other, and now they're sort of broken up. Not to worry. I swear on us that I'll get them back together somehow. Wait. Maybe that's not such a great thing to swear on. I swear on Cassie and Andie. 

I miss you so much I can't breathe sometimes. It sucks ass. Wheezie and I have gotten to become friends since you passed, which is nice. I have a feeling we'll be besties in no time. I've taught her how to surf - she has the same natural talent you did. It was nuts to see her up on that board right away. I nearly cried, but I had to stay tough because I didn't want to explain why I was crying and make her cry. 

Your dad and Rose both gave me money right before your funeral. Rose even gave me a hug. You know what she said?

"Thank you for loving her."

It was so nice I couldn't help but smile a little bit. It hurt my heart to be in the house I knew you had grown up in, and you'd never go back to. I got to speak at your funeral. Topper and Kelce looked like they wanted to kill themselves the whole time I was talking. Probably regretting calling you a whore. And Wheezie loves the ring you got me. Just thought you'd like to know it. 

And now, for the sappiest part of this letter yet: I'm gonna recite some poetry for you. Wheezie gave me a copy of some Edgar Allan Poe poems you liked, and a few of them really resonated with me. I'll write two for you here. 

To One in Paradise

Thou wast that all to me, love
     For which my soul did pine-
A green isle in the sea, love,
     A fountain and a shrine,
All wreathed with fairy fruits and flowers, 
     And all the flowers were mine.

Ah, dream too bright to last!
     Ah, starry Hope! that didst arise
But to be overcast!
     A voice from out the Future cries,
"On! on!"-but o'er the Past
     (Dim gulf!) my spirit hovering lies
Mute, motionless, aghast!

For, alas! alas! with me
      The light of Life is o'er!
No more-no more-no more-
      (Such language holds the solemn sea
To sands upon the shore)
      Shall bloom the thunder-blasted tree,
Or the stricken eagle soar!

And all my days are trances,
       And all my nightly dreams
Are where thy grey eye glances,
       And where thy footstep gleams-
In what ethereal dances,
       By what eternal streams.

Bridal Ballad

The ring is on my hand,
        And the wreath is on my brow,
Satin and jewels grand
Are all at my command,
        And I am happy now.

And my lord he loves me well,
       But, when he first breathed his vow,
I felt my bosom swell-
For the words rang as a knell,
And the voice seemed his who fell
In the battle down the dell,
        And who is happy now.

But he spoke to re-assure me,
        And he kissed my pallid brow,
While reverie came o'er me,
And to the church-yard bore me,
And I sighed to him before me,
(Thinking him dead D'Elormie,)
         "Oh, I am happy now!"

And thus the words were spoken;
         And this the plighted vow,
And, though my faith be broken,
And, though my heart be broken,
Here is a ring, as a token,
          That I am happy now!-
Behold the golden token
         That proves me happy now!

Would God I could awaken!
         For I dream I know not how,
And if my soul is sorely shaken
Lest an evil step be taken,-
Lest the dead who is forsaken
         May not be happy now.

Look at me go, being all well-read and shit. I only read them because Wheezie said you read that book of poems so much the pages felt soft. They totally do feel soft. I'm gonna keep it forever now. And read it when I only miss you a little bit. 

Being married to you was the best choice I ever made, my love. I couldn't imagine not knowing that you left this world tied to me in such an intimate way. It's far nicer knowing you loved me enough to put a ring on it. (Cue the Beyoncé!)

I think I'm going to try and get myself out of my funk now. I want to stay and revel in who you were, but maybe doing it as I do other things would be better for me. I know our friends - and your sister - would want me to get moving. But it's hard enough to get out of bed sometimes, let alone actually do anything. And not think of you every second of the day. Notice how I didn't say waking second. I dream of you every night. 

Is that you sending me messages? I hope so. It's be nice to know you visit me in my sleep. You visiting me at all would be worth anything and everything I've ever owned. Or ever will own. I don't think I'm gonna own much. 

Don't hate me if I don't come visit your grave as much, all right? I might be busy for a little while. I promise I'm still thinking about you and remembering you all the time, just maybe not showing it outwardly. Chances are I'm actually doing that too. I'll just look at the cats, or look off into the distance dramatically and pretend you're next to me, laughing at my facial expression. I'm sort of glad everything is still fresh; I can remember your touch, and your voice, eyes, and laugh. I know someday I'm going to lose the memories of all of those things, but at least I have them for quite a bit longer. 

I got to take some things from your room right before the funeral. I took your little shark tooth necklace, the fairy one, some little colorful rings and a notebook from this past school year. Your handwriting is amazing. I wish mine was more like it. Or at least legible some of the time. 

I'm gonna buy a bouquet to put with these. Maybe I'll get some roses, and daisies, and...yeah I don't know what else. Red roses. LILACS! They smell nice and they're a pretty color. But the roses because they remind me of your Midsummers/wedding dress. That dress is still inside my room at the Chateau. I refuse to get rid of it when it still smells like you. And reminds me that we were married. 

You are the last dream of my soul. How'd you know that for sure? I know you said you felt it, but on our wedding day? And you could remember quotes from books just like that? You were too smart for this world, Maelynn Maybank. 

Anyways. I have to get this wrapped up before the cats start becoming DIY paper shredders for me. I love you so fucking much, Mae. Always, forever. And I'm going to miss you until I see you in the next life. Which I will - as you said, I can feel it. 

I LOVE YOU, MAELYNN MAYBANK. ALWAYS, FOREVER.

All my warm hugs and good fucks,

JJ Maybank (your husband) 
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

ミ⛧ ミ⛧ ミ⛧

1284 words.
written august 25/21.