Enemies With Benefits | Lee Haechan

the letter

Dear Park Chaerin,

the person who was always there for me when I needed her most. the one who always ran to my side when I needed help. the one that gave me hope and motivation to better myself.....the one who I let down.

words can not describe how sorry i am for putting you through this hell. but I am very, truly sorry for letting my jealousy take the best of me. I never meant to take advantage of your nice nature...but when you grew up with parents who never loved you from a young age, you will do anything to gain that feeling. and that's all I ever wanted.

all I ever craved for was to feel loved, secure, to know that I would always have someone with me for the rest of my life. I wanted to feel important because...truth be told, I never was...until you came around.

you made me feel important, like i was worth having around. but everyone still loved you. it was always about you whether you believe it or not. I was always at the side lines. no one knew Lee Soyeon, they only knew Chaerin's best friend.

I envied that, your popularity, the respect people had for you, your whole life really. you had everything. everything was going your way. and at first I was fine with that, I was okay with being a mere shadow of you...until haechan came into the equation.

In my eyes, how i saw it was that you took him away from me and all the chances i had with him, just like you did with Hyesoo. i loved Hyesoo, we went to the same english classes. i spent evenings on end with her, at her house, doing homework together, taking the bus with her, baking cakes together.

she also made me feel like I was the only one in the world, and then I saw you. her other best friend. I realised I wasn't special. you were always there, she liked you more. then haechan, the guy she liked, how did I have a chance to get her attention when you two existed. so I left the frame, like I always do when I'm not wanted somewhere.

that's what I should have done when I found out you and haechan had a fling together. I should have left it alone. I should have left the frame. but I couldn't. I knew that the hole left in my heart could only be filled with love and affection. and I craved that from haechan, I guess you did too.

I'm sorry again, for letting my selfishness and jealousy get the best of me. I guess people that have nothing and people that have everything see the world differently.

I know what you're thinking now...

"soyeon why didn't you tell me"

"we could have talked it out"

but please don't, no matter what, apologise since you did nothing wrong. I take blame for all of this. and I realised once again that I am no longer wanted. so here I am, doing what i always do, removing myself from the frame.

I won't tell you where I've gone, how long in going for or if I'll ever even come back. it's best that you forget me if you haven't already. please don't spend your days worrying about me...I know you'll feel guilty, you were always selfless like that. I wish I treasured you more as a friend.

in the mean time, I will be bettering myself, taking time to discover my own needs and wants...making myself feel special rather than depending on others to validate me. I hope that, if one day we ever meet again, you will be proud of me.

I'm sorry I ever hurt you, disappointed you or angered you. If I could I would take back all my actions, you didn't deserve what I did to you. I hope at the end, the good things will outweigh the bad. I will forever love and miss you.

your friend, Lee Soyeon.