Chapter 45: Wait, What?

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Brandy

I've been thinking about it for a long time now, it wasn't just a spur of the moment decision. I'm referring to going down on Benji, of course.

Every time I see him, which is every day, all I want to do is be with him—please him. I do, however, take sex very seriously. I haven't exactly shown that in the past but deep down I know sex is special and I don't take it lightly. That is why it's taken four months for me to go down on Benji. I want him to respect me, so I made him wait.

I am terrified that I was bad at it. Did I make him feel good? Did I use my teeth by accident? Then again it was my first time, but I want to be good at it. He is so experienced and good at sex and I don't want to let him down. He could have any equally experienced college girl but he chose me. I can't let him down.

That sounds toxic, which I realize. But I think I speak for every girl when I say I don't want to be bad at sex. We can say all want that we don't care about the man's pleasure but it's all bullshit. Nobody wants to be bad at something so natural and human.

I keep replaying the moment in my mind. I look up and see Benji, who is looking right at me. My heart drops and I quickly look away. I think I was scared to make eye contact with him because I don't know how to look sexy. I've seen porn and I know how girls are supposed to look at guys when they go down on them, and I just don't know how to do that.

It's kind of awkward to be like, "Mm, baby, you like that?" In a weird, sexy voice. That girl, that pornstar, is just not me. I'm awkward and shy and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.

"So what time is dinner?" I ask Benji as we finish up our third movie of the day. "The one at your parents house, I mean."

He huffs. "Uh, like six or something. I forgot what Mom said."

"What should I wear?" I wonder.

"Y-you don't have to come," he tells me. "You can just stay here while I have dinner over there. I'll order you some takeout and bring you back some dessert from my parents house," he suggests.

I chuckle. "That's ridiculous. Of course I'm going to dinner at your parents house. Now, what should I wear?" I ask again.

I stand up and head for my closet while Benji remains on the couch. I search through my clothes and shake my head at each skirt, shirt and dress. I decide on a casual pair of pants and a red sweater, which kind of gives me Christmas vibes.

"We should get going soon," I say. "With snow like this, traffic must be absolutely awful. I wouldn't want to be late."

"I don't think they'll care. My dad is always late for dinner so it doesn't matter," he says.

"Speaking of your dad," I bring up. "Do... do your parents know we're dating?" I ask. "He said something to me the other week that gave me the impression that he didn't know."

"Of course he knows," he answers. "He just doesn't talk about it much. I think he wants to give me my privacy."

I laugh. "Since when? I thought your parents were always on your ass."

"Since recently," he says.

"Okay?" I chuckle awkwardly. "It doesn't matter. Let's just get out of here before we're late. Is Andrew downstairs yet?"

"On second thought, I think I'll ditch it all together. We can just stay here together and watch another three movies or something. Hot chocolate?" He asks as he turns on the kettle.

I squint my eyes at him. "We can't just not go, even if it is your parents. We'll go really quickly just in time for tonight at my Dad's house."

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