MY TEARS RICOCHET 𛲕 STRANGER THINGS

19. The Queen of Hawkins

CHAPTER 19: The Queen of Hawkins

Is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everythin'
Or do you just not want to?
— Renegade, Taylor Swift

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

6th June, 1984: The Hawk Theatre

DAPHNE HAD COMPLETED ALL OF HER HOMEWORK for the week during the first half of Rumble Fish and Robin hadn't stopped by once. Daphne knew she was working because she'd seen her talking to their English teacher, Mr Hauser, as she walked in. It was odd — how noticeably she missed Robin's presence. She hadn't even realised how much she enjoyed her company until she no longer had it.

The cheerleader sat through the last hour of the movie in crippling boredom, flicking kernels of popcorn at the obnoxious couple in the second last row. When it was finally over, Daphne hurried over to the exit — only to find Steve blocking it.

"Steve? What are you doing here?" she demanded, placing her hands on her hips. "Have you been following me?"

Steve rolled his eyes. "No, Daphne. I know you've been spending most of your time here and not at home like you said. I came to ask you if I've done something wrong, because every time I see you in school you run the other way."

Daphne sighed, running a hand down her face. "You haven't done anything wrong, Steve. I just haven't been sleeping well recently and I haven't been in the mood for company. I'm sorry."

"Are you still having the nightmares?" asked Steve, concern washing over his face.

Daphne's heart twinged with guilt. She used to sleep over at his house all the time, so she didn't have to be alone in hers — until she started waking him up with her screams. He had been so worried. But she couldn't have him keep looking at her like she was cracked porcelain and so she had stopped staying over altogether and convinced him the nightmares had gone away.

"Sometimes," lied Daphne. I see it every time I close my eyes, she wanted to say. I wish the monster had taken me instead of Fern. I'm falling apart and I don't know how to keep living anymore. "But you don't have to worry about me. I'll get through it."

"Daph, you're my girlfriend," said Steve. "I lo—I care about you. Of course I'm going to worry about you. Have you thought about making an appointment with Miss Kelley?"

"The guidance counsellor?" Daphne scoffed, wrinkling her nose. "I don't want to talk about my feelings and rate my mood on a scale of one to ten, Steve. I just want to forget any of this ever happened."

"That's not healthy, Daph," insisted Steve. "You're bottling up your emotions and it's killing you. You went through something horrible and it's okay to not be completely fine."

"You're not a psychiatrist, Steve," snapped Daphne, suddenly feeling defensive. "Trust me when I tell you you have no idea what I'm feeling right now. What I need is for you to give me some space. Okay?"

Steve's face fell and Daphne instantly wanted to apologise. She knew she was being unreasonable — that Steve was only worrying so much because he cared — but she was suffocating. He was there all the time and she couldn't take it. How was she supposed to hide what she was feeling when he wouldn't leave her alone?

She didn't know how to handle the trauma she'd experienced, he was right. But all she'd ever been taught was how to repress her emotions, not how to deal with them in a healthy way. She didn't know how to do any of this and every second she spent with Steve, she felt like she was letting him down. She knew he loved her and she wished more than anything that she could return those feelings. But something inside of her was broken. He deserved better and she couldn't give that to him.