schlatt (+lunch club) : babysitter

thirty four +

"what i hate..."

"i'm sorry .. just-"

"he's arrogant. maybe it's ironic but it's often hard to tell. it hurts when he talks sometimes. and i can never figure out if he's joking or not which worries me because he can be far too edgy and selfish.

you sound like twitter...

he just pushes these horrible jokes too far. and he rejects any form of femininity which, in fairness, has yet to be fully decided but he just loves men so much and hates women? it confuses me, whats wrong with them?

maybe it's because he seems like hes always trying to be a dad in some way... which would be nice if the dad he was trying to be wasn't one of those white ass dads who complain about political correctness.

he gets violent sometimes. which is usually funny, but scares me when it's not. well, he could still be joking. he's probably making fun of violent guys?

i'm always telling him how to do things or where they are and he gets so frustrated over any kind of help (especially with things he's good at and just needs a hand with) despite needing it. i can't get him to like something he's decided to hate which is always tough. i think i can help that when i just dust in new information around the subject but he will not change his mind on vegetables.
so. damn. stubborn.

- and he doesn't play skyrim.

well, i have played it with charlie actually. the rest of these can just dissolve my fuckin ego for a little while. thanks." he sighs and looks out at the waves.
"turn it over."
he does and starts reading again,

"what i love..."

he hesitates, looking shocked as though this is the first time anyone has told him something like this,

"i could tell he was a youngest right away because of how he looks at people. he watches everyone he admires like a little kid watches his big brother, thinking of how cool he is. i could also tell because of how much he likes being made cups of hot chocolate or given little snacks. he never says anything except a "thank you" but he'll often try to subtly repay you in some way.

he'll always help out with things (if asked by someone he trusts), even though he'll act like hes not going to just to piss you off. again, very little brother.

he's tall. i like the whole "big guy" thing. i just wish he'd realise his height isn't his only good physical quality. there's so much. he has these little freckles on his cheek that i like. they match his eyes, which are kind but he hides that somehow. and his nose is very handsome, though he'd deny himself that if you tried to tell him. and that long hair ... swooning.

my nose isn't that great-"

"keep going!" i laugh as his lips start to smile.

"hes grumpy ... but in the way a grandpa is.
like, he'll never make you nervous with it or complain about something serious that upsets you. it's always little silly complaints that he seems like hes really mad about, but really he does it to make you laugh. he's kind of like that with any anger; it's very rarely real, just a different way of making you chuckle. i need to remember that more.

he's a listener too. if you're talking around lots of people and somebody talks and drowns you out, he'll be the one to stay listening to you and let you know he's interested. he matches energy like that. if you're excited, he's excited etc. i guess he likes making people feel comfortable before making his wacky jokes. which, honestly, i put down too much sometimes. he can make any uncomfortable or sad situation immediately lighter by some dumb or witty one-liner and i think of it whenever something sad happens to me. he knows how it feels to feel like a loser and will be present for you if nobody else is.

i noticed he reads too. he's a smart fella, (not a fart smella lol) which i value. he'll say a quote and actually tell you where it's from as well, which makes him one of the best for intellectual conversation, really. he'll listen to music you recommend - and be honest too (which i never have the courage to be)! if something's shitty, he'll let you know, alright. it's a nice break from everyone walking on eggshells around me.

he's subtle in his affections, which i really do like. i hate see lovey dovey stuff. just the occasional hand squeeze and a check in is perfect. he'll bring little things and always tell you a thing he saw or a moment that made him think of you. it's more about the little things than big gestures and being all shakespearean. besides, the grumpiness makes me laugh more.

he's also patient but not persistent. he spent all this time respecting my boundaries and never pestering me to love him. it came gradually with time. sometime you meet the right person at the wrong time, and that's what happened with us.

the little pink camera. i know technically it's mine but it will always be his thing to me. i've never changed anything about that little camera because i love it so much. nobody has ever topped what he did with it.

i never thought i'd get along with him because of how much we argue and how different we get but he said something once that i'll never forget. if you hate someone first and then start to love them you know that despite the supposed 'bad' side you know, you will still choose to love them. which means everything you hated about them is now something that you love; anything bad that could've driven you away is out in the open.

all that's left is to learn about the things to love. i get that now.

i guess i never really hated him at all"

he lingers on that last sentence and stares down at the paper.

"i don't hate you, or think you're just the nearest random loser to have as my security blanket. we just weren't as mature back then. but i know how i feel about you now." i lean on his shoulder.

"no one's ever... even talked about me like this before." he can barely find the words, "i thought you hardly cared.."

"i've been invested in you since we jinxed our taco bell orders. did you ever notice how precisely similar our interests are?" i hold his hand softly.

"i always tried to ignore it.. i didn't realise you even felt anything like this. i guess.. the tweet isn't so bad then." he smiles.

"people can know soon. we'll tell them ourselves." i kiss his cheek and watch the waves below as they roll in gently. neither of us are lost now; the dreams can stop.

"we should get going." i tuck some hair behind his ear and he nods, getting up.

"oh y/n?"

"mm?"

"why did you come into my room last night? i realised i never asked."

"i just... it felt weird being back here again. i was gonna come talk to you about how much i miss lunch club and stuff." i shrug it off and walk carefully down the sand dune.

"well... you can stay with me tonight too. i mean if that's what you want."

i smile back at him, "that sounds lovely."