Comprehension

PTSD

I'm afraid okay? people have come and people have gone ,and in their absence what was left of me was only half a piece of who I used to be. You say that you want me and your actions do not contradict your statement ,but I have had many who came ,just to reel me in and i am terrified of being used again ,even if now in this moment that is not your intent.

How do I know that you're genuine? How do I know that this feeling which you express is nothing but a fleeting infatuation with the person you perceive me as? I am not asking for a connection without pain ,I am not asking for you to be perfect. All I want is someone who is not afraid to love me as am , without disloyalty and elusive intent. All I want is for someone to want me with the parts of me that are ugly. Someone who will not deceive me , someone who will not lure me into thinking that their love is honest , someone who will simply choose to stay even on days when I do not.

I am not easy ,I know that. Sometimes I am harsh , sometimes I lack compassion and sometimes I am blind to what is beyond what I want. But I am trying to be better for myself and I cannot have someone hinder that growth with another process of having to heal a broken heart. I can't do that. I do not trust my judgement ,what observation I make is only from my own point of view ,but there is a bigger picture to be painted ,there is always more then one side to a story.

How will I know? Tell me ,how do I know that you have not come to harm? I am not there in the dark ,I know not the conversations you have ,the thoughts you think when I am unresponsive to whichever advance you make. I don't know ,and that is scary okay. I want to risk it , beautiful things are never safe ,but in my doubt there is solace ,in my doubt there is reason for me not to jump off this cliff with no knowledge of whether you will join me in my dive off the edge.

But then again, in my doubt there is misconception , a result of what I have been through ,trauma that has nothing to do with you. I'm at a loss ,at war with what I feel and what I think, doubtful of my intuition that has led me to open empty doors many times before. Can you blame me? I am terrified ,so in my fear I will run ,and in the possibility of you ever catching me ,I am horrified by even the idea of having to be left alone in a love I was weary of.

 
                        -Liyah smith