i. to say a permanent goodbye through your lips, in the form of a kiss, because you wish you were good enough for her. she says you are more than she deserves and you deny it. deny, deny, denied it so much you find yourself beginning to believe her. ( but you would never sacrifice your pride to say that )
ii. purposely driving the car of your emotions recklessly because, fuck it—you're young, aren't you? life is to be lived unabashedly and to be enjoyed. never mind that you can already see the wreck ahead. because you live in the now. this minute. this moment. this very second. and consequences be damned, because you're young and nothing, nothing, can touch you right now.
iii. heartache feels like getting drunk at 10am because you woke up and felt. you are used to waking up and feeling empty. empty is good. empty means your thoughts are trapped behind that fuzzy wall of cotton blanketing your brain in ignorance and you love ignorance because that is an excuse for you to pretend to be happy. when you can be naive you forget she left you because you were selfish and jealous and horrid to her. that you pushed and pushed and pushed because it was satisfying for you to see how far her boundaries went because deep down, inside of you, you knew you didn't deserve her. and so you tried to tell her but you couldn't speak it properly and could only try to show her. it worked, much too well and so she left you and that day you fucking felt happy even though you were devastated too. your head is a cesspool of conflict and chaos and you don't understand why you push everything good for you away but maybe it's just because you are inflicted with a tainted touch. nothing good stays because you're a plague of misery and toxicity and you could change and you do sort of want to change but you know you won't change because you simply don't want it enough.
( unconditional is a concept,
heartache is a reality <3 )
_
join my heartbreak club,
we've never loved before
but we feel as though we've
experienced three divorces <3
YOU ARE READING
unconditionally//unrelentlessly
Poetry'i love you' falls from my lips the way icarus fell from the sun. so tragically. so beautifully. _ POETRY COLLECTION © nyxmph_ 2021
