The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Season Finale, Again

Mountain Dew hangovers are the worst. Good thing my character has built-in dark glasses to avoid the judging stare of the Thursday sun, the Mountain Dew of days.

I passed out on a random day at some point in the night. I dunno which one, but I smell of mothballs and vinegar, which is a combination one doesn't see too often. Next thing I knew, I was being carried by Hayden, put in a blanket cocoon, and cuddled all night. I was the big spoon.

Of course, being a Thursday, I have to go to bizarro school and deal with another round of bullshit, only hangover, and again, Thursday. Fuck Thursday's. The only good thing about today is that I get to wake up next to Hayden. The saccharine of the little things that make me happy also makes me want to puke.

"Morning, sleepyhead," he says, caressing the top of my head lovingly. "How you feeling?"

"Like a truck just rammed into my asshole," I say. Seriously, it hurts like hell. Wait a minute. "Hey, did we-"

He shakes his meaty head, making the whole...bed? Futon? Where are we, exactly? "No, we didn't. We were both intoxicated. I'm a gentleman, after all. You just fell from a chair while dancing Taylor Swift songs and calling Arianna Grande a basic bitch."

Good thing I didn't lose my virginity in a drunken stupor. What? Of course I'm a virgin. Rule number 1: never stick your dick in crazy. And when you're a bad boy, anybody who wants you to put your dick in them is crazy.

I lean in and give him a kiss, morning breath and all. God, it stinks. "You're a good man, Hayden Gomez. Now, wanna give me a ride to school?"

His eyes look pained and red, but I think that's just the hangover. Or maybe it's the pain of not having me at school. But I'll bet on the hangover. "Alright. Let's go. I think there's a breakfast buffet waiting for us."

"Define 'buffet' here," I ask. Add your own question sign here.

"Mostly kimchi and pasta," he says.

"No, thank you. I prefer fasting for 40 days and having the devil tempt me in the desert," I say.

Hayden stands up, stretching and yawning like a lion enough to shake the.... Still don't know where we are. It's very comfy, though. Lots of plushies and soft pastel colors all around, like a hug. I stand up to stretch, moving with big steps as every joint in my body pops and locks like a mid 2000s dance movie. There is a plaque by the door that reads "Kid Nap Room." The room next door reads "Kidnap Room." I don't wanna know.

I see my phone to check the time, but see ten missed calls from my father. Sorry, this smells like plot, and I'm not going to deal with that while hungover.

We go out the door towards the exit, only to find Jungkook and Harry looking at us with giddy anticipation, which is kinda creepy coming from two middle-aged eggheads.

"Good morning, bosses," they say, taking a deep bow.

It occurs to me that I've never actually talked to them, and what little I've said to them has been with Brayden present. This is awkward.

"Good morning... you two," I say, giving them finger-guns.

"Morning, bros," says Hayden with a lot more panache than me. That's the pro of having a gender-neutral catchphrase, I guess. Bro is gender neutral, right?

They give us little gift bags with that clear plastic paper nobody knows where it comes from or where it goes, with some 1D CDs, skin creams, and a Glock. Just a goddamned Glock. Great.

"Hope you had a good time," says Jungkook. "The boss looked so happy and radiant yesterday, being the center of attention and all."

"I'm sure he did," I say. "And I don't know what else to say."