Comprehension

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Loving you was never black and white. It wasn't date nights on Friday evenings ,or picnics at a sight surrounded by flowers.

No ,loving you was different. It was a glance at first , without second thought , with the indifference i seem to carry around when my head is stuck high up in the clouds. It was nerve wrecking ,like the first time you jump off a cliff. Falling and falling ,with the fear of your body hitting the ground with a splat!

It was quite ,like Sunday morning's ,when mom used to bake and smile that smile that made it seem like the whole world would end up okay. Loving you was dark sometimes ,the type of darkness that replaces someone you love with only  half a version of themselves. Loving you was scary to explore, and loving you broke me when it was time to let go...

You don't deserve me in this lifetime ,but maybe you did ,long ago ,in a life you and i know nothing of. Because there are times when you linger ,times when I seek you out unwillingly. Like how I wait for just a text from you on my birthday ,or how sometimes when my world comes crashing down on me ,I call out your name in my attempt to gasp for breath. There are times when I remember what it felt like before I doomed us both by falling in love with you.

Times like 12 am ,when my mind blares louder than a ringing alarm ,when my only salvation ,when my only relief, is having just one conversation with you. I am not in love with you anymore ,but there is still a sense of fondness for you tugging at my heart.

Maybe that will always be the case ,after all ,there was a time when i believed you were my soulmate. Perhaps that is still true ,just different from the scenario i had in my head.

                   -Liyah smith