Finding myself

Chapter 115

Blaze POV

Everything was chaotic after the war ended.

The pack mostly had light injuries thanks to Zara's meticulous planning in stationing the stronger guards and wolves around the pack to protect the elderly and children. She thought she didn't contribute much to the war. That she had frozen up, but she had done more than enough. Even the serious wounds had healed quickly after she took down the electric perimeter. The alphas with injuries had quickly healed after they semi-shifted.

The hall was bloodied. As soon as Sam had died the tides began to change. Especially since the werewolves could semi shift too. We were more in number after all. Sam's brothers had been quick to ask their troops to retreat foreseeing their resounding defeat. And I let them go.

After everything was said and done, I had kneeled to take my mate from the corpse of the vampire. Lucky bastard. She cried so hard for him. Would she have one the same for me? I was numb to it all. What if she was dead too? She had lost a lot of blood. What would I do? I couldn't bear to think of the possibilities. I was afraid to even check. 

But I breathed a sigh of relief. Thankfully her wounds were starting to heal. Probably Zian healing her since she didn't want to die as well. She must be dead tired though.

What struck me the most when I touched her was the lack of tingles. There was nothing. Her presence was still absent in my mind and Xavier whined. I was hoping it was temporary. That it would all go away and end with the villain in the story. I touched her face gently inspecting for any wounds. There were none. I had been shocked seeing her bloodied state. But thankfully she looked alright, just sleeping.

Our bond however was mute. Good as dead. What did the bastard king use on us? And she thought I was possessive. He wrecked our bond! A natural boon from the goddess. I wished I could drive the knife through his heart for destroying something this sacred to us. 

That's when I realized that the missing bond didn't change a single thing. I loved her still. And at that moment I understood the reason she had asked me the question at the balcony overlooking the garden. Why I loved her. It wasn't for the bond. I should have told her the truth. She must have been so disappointed. That must be why she pushed me away after that.

The truth was the bond didn't change a single thing. I loved her regardless. I always will.

She looked so beautiful even when bloodied. I had panicked that she would die as well and I nearly killed Jason for it. But in all earnest, he had expected her to heal. This was after all a minor injury for a werewolf. He hadn't known the problems with her wolf. And knowing all this she still went ahead with it anyways. She was really willing to risk it all.

She had just fainted probably from the strain of hacking and the blood loss. I had heaved a sigh of relief at that.

Still, we needed to hand out quick first aid. The teachers from the college and school helped with this. They divided the task into sections. Miss Potts, , Miss Wilson, Mr. Hawk, Mr. Hebrew, Mr. Styke, and Miss Wilson helped with first aid and their distribution.

The vampires hadn't really caused many injuries as the fighting didn't last long. It just seemed like an eternity.

Among the injured, the worst ones were a kid called Niall who I heard had a massive crush on Zara and alpha Maddox but I heard they were recovering quickly too. Jack the stable boy had a broken arm too but he was quickly tended to.

Everyone regarded my mate as a hero for killing the vampire king. I was happy about that. They thought she had been a spy who had infiltrated the vampire colonies to kill Sam. How rumors spread! How opinions changed. Things had become so dramatic after Jason confessed that Zara wanted to be stabbed. It would still mean nothing to me if she was under serious risk. He should have known better than to stab my mate. And his luna at that.

It wasn't even a vampire who caused it but her own trusted gang member. Whether she wished it or not was inconsequential to me. He couldn't deny that part of the reason was his anger towards her anyways. But Drake had forced me to see reason. Dex still went for Jason's throat though.

So my mate's image became as good as a saint's, who tried to sacrifice herself for her pack and rightfully so. I was so proud of her. I didn't know why she still put herself down.

Everyone wanted to see her at the hospital even if she was unconscious. It got so bad that we had to bring her back to the packhouse to guard her better.

It was a few days until she woke up and I was getting anxious. The first thing she asked was if anyone had died, I shook my head and just told her there were a few injuries but otherwise, their training had paid off. When she inquired who it was I disclosed all their names.

She had gone back to sleep chanting their names under her breath like a mantra. She was exhausted, having run around without sleep for a  few days planning the war. I let her be. Thought I would see her repeating the names often to guilt trip herself.

How can someone like this be capable of killing? She must have not killed Derek's mate. It didn't make sense.

Sometimes she woke up in the middle of the night, wailing for Sam. She shook and sweat beaded on her forehead from the nightmares. I hugged her and wiped the sweat off her forehead when this happened and she kept chanting the same names again and she went back to sleep.

Finally, the ancient packs and the other alphas except Dex returned to their packs and there was peace. The last few days were chaotic with the first aid and food supplies and whatnot.

I tried to let her meet some pack members but she refused. Even some of the alphas had wanted to meet the hero luna before they left. She refused to meet anyone. She was in no state to have them visit anyways. She was even losing weight rapidly, refusing to eat or sleep. It was terrifying for me to see her like this even after everything. I had wanted her to be strong and independent. But now she was broken. I knew I had won the battle against Sam but lost the war. He still meant something to her.

I was hoping their praises would bring her to see positivity. We didn't have a bond but I could feel a shadow how her emotions, her pain and suffering on my end, I knew her well enough to guess at them. Or perhaps I was imagining the worst. 

Only the gang and her parents knew the truth. And they didn't leak it to anyone, not sure if it was because they were afraid of me though. Overnight she had become a hero because of what Jason said about her willingness to sacrifice herself for the pack, although he only spoke the truth. She became the brave luna who infiltrated the colonies alone without anyone's help to kill the vampire king. 

Still, the gang avoided her like the plague not ready to face her. The burden of truth was a heavy one to carry. Only Raven and Zarine came to her and her response to them were mostly dull.

She couldn't forgive herself even as the days went on. And I watched helplessly as she became a shell of her former self.