Internet Lover boy

1- Why?

My eyes opened, closed, and re-opened quite a few time before I could even muster up the will to wake up. I could see daylight pouring in from my windows, and I quickly turned my head towards my phone. Tapping the screen a few times, the phone screen lit up and read 2:45p.m. 23 October. I was kinda pissed off that I woke up so late. Only reason I even woke up this late is that I was up all last night on the phone with my online girlfriend, I stayed up until 5 a.m. my time, because she's in a different time zone than me. After getting over that, I stretched a bit, hearing my back pop, and looked at my bedside table again. I hastily outstretched my arm to grab the half empty bottle of Red Bull, and chugged the rest of it. 

Without even thinking about getting out of bed, I looked down and turned on my phone. I had a ass-ton of notifications from Discord. 

"Shit..," I mumbled under my breath. Today were the moderator interviews on the server I was moderating! I'm definitely gonna be in trouble for this. I quickly opened Discord and saw a sea of red ping icons from most of the other staff members in the server. Above all, I saw a notification from my girlfriend, Blair. I clicked on her chat, and my facial expression melted away. Everything seemed to get darker and fuzzier. My head started spinning and I felt as if somebody were punching me in the chest. My face was getting hot, and my hands started to shake, so much that you could barely read the words on the screen. 

1 NEW CHAT SINCE 5 A.M.

Blairbearxo (Today at 9:38 a.m.)- Hey Will sorry for the short notice but i think we need to break up. You're just rlly..weird yk? Idk you just don't give me any personal space so im breaking it off. Please don't contact me again

...

This fucking bitch.

I could feel my pulse getting faster,  and my jaw getting sore from clenching it. It was all spiraling out of control. My anger, I fear, is too great to handle. I have extremely sensitive anger issues, and they usually get the best of me. 

I give her EVERYTHING and this is what she gives me? I GIVE THIS WHORE MONEY and she gives me THIS?!

I throw my blankets off in a rage, getting up and in a full blown rage, punching the walls. I keep punching and punching, pain not registering. The satisfaction of seeing the wall get damaged keeps me going. The walls remind me of her, bland, worthless, stupid. Stupid. Stupid. StupidStupidStupidSTUPIDSTUPID. 

In one final blow, my arm goes through the wall. I stand there for a moment before coming back to my senses. My fists start to ache, my head is running, and my breathing is rapid. I breathe deeply, and slowly pull my arm out of the wall. My knuckles are scratched up, some bleeding, and some bruised. I did it again. I sigh heavily and internally scold myself for letting go again. I usually am blinded by my emotions, and then after when I'm able to rethink things, I get devastated. 

I walk to my medicine cabinet, and start rummaging around. I finally find some gauze and start wrapping it around my knuckles. Some of my blood seeps through the gauze and makes it turn a satisfying shade of red. 

As I make my way to my window, I start thinking about my relationship with Blair, and how it led up to this. 

...

In about 2020 I was applying for a moderator role on a discord server, when I noticed one of the people in the chat. She was talking about her time at the gym, and I was mesmerised. I started going through all her socials and finding out everything I could about her. Every second in my mind was filled with thoughts of her. She was everything to me, and I was nothing to her. 

She was absolutely perfect. She was captain of her colleges swim team, she always posted pictures of her in her swimsuit which I always adored. She was top of her classes, and she always went to her state fairs.

Her favourite ice cream flavour is chocolate chip mint, and her shoe size is 8 1/2. I knew all these things by heart, including a lot of her passwords, her mothers name, most of her family, her real life friends, her favourite activities, and more. I was absolutely in love with this girl. 

Finally I dm'd her and we started talking from there. She made my heart flutter, and I hope I did the same to her. Every time I saw one of her messages, I would always grin and answer her immediately. After talking every day, my feelings only became more deep. Every day I would check all of her socials, and everyday I would check up on her. 

She would usually respond, but on the times she didn't, I got extremely angry. I would blow up her phone with notifications, and would spam her relentlessly. I would call her for hours on end until she picked up. I felt that she should only be talking to me, because I was as important to her as she was to me. 

After about a month of this, I finally figured that she had fallen for me too, and I texted her. I actually asked HER out. And weirdest of all, she said YES! Okay well she didn't explicitly say yes but I'm gonna assume she did. I was the happiest man alive. I would call her every single night and I would stay up on call, and I'd sleep on call with her as she did things during the day. Our time zones were different since I was in the UK and she was in Washington. There was an 8 hour difference between us.  

After about a week of us dating, she seemed to not be as interested in me as I was her, which really messed with me. Was I not good enough for her? I started writing stories for her, songs for her, love letters, making art, anything I could to impress her. She always said she liked them, but I never fully believed her. She always said she was..busy. 

Whenever she was busy I would always log into her Discord (which I guessed the passcode of) and checked all her messages with men. Sometimes I would be horrified to see that she was talking to men, flirting with them even. I would get furious and immediately call her, demanding an explanation. She would always say they were just friends and it was jokes, and that I was overreacting, but I never bought it. I always promised myself after our quarrels that I wouldn't talk to her for a while, but she always got the best of me. I would sit there for 20 minutes, scrolling her socials, and then get sad and run back to her.  

I mean maybe I was a bad boyfriend? I don't think I was. I was protective of her, that's all.

As I focused my vision again, seeing the beautiful fall leaves outside of my window, I sighed. Turning around, I was met with my wall.. with a hole in it. I don't know how I'm gonna explain that one to anyone. My head was still aching and my hands had quit hurting, instead becoming numb. All I could feel in my hands was my pulse. I ran my hands through my hair, trying to feel something. Nothing, just fuzzy static in my hands. 

As I was walking to my bathroom, I stepped over papers that had letters that I wrote to her. I clenched my jaw and made sure to step on it. I made a mental note to myself to clean those up later. I got to my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I was a mess, I had just rolled out of bed and decided to beat my walls. My face was red, I was sweating, my hair was slightly sticking to my forehead, and I still had a crumpled t-shirt on that had a whale on it. Pulling my hair back, I turned on the faucet and splashed my face with cold water. I could feel the coldness in my hands, which felt odd, but welcome nonetheless. 

I pulled my mirror to reveal my medicine cabinet, along with other bathroom items. I took something for my headache, taking it with some water from the sink. I turned the water off. Somethings not right... I'm looking at myself in the mirror and it just doesn't look like me. I look.. different. I can't explain it but my face. I have dark circles under my eyes, probably caused by lack of sleep, aka her. I had stubble all on my chin since I hadn't shaved in a while. She had also said she liked me with stubble.. I shook my head vigorously, at the same time shaking her away. 

I had to change myself.. I was going to get better. The first step to that is getting back at what ruined it in the first place. Her.

Chapter End-

Date published: 05/10/2021

Word count: 1564