Before He Cheats

Chapter 16

Vanessa POV:

"Were you angry?" The steely gaze she gave me forced me to look at her.

"I was mostly upset. I was angry at myself briefly for not seeing the truth then I was angry at him for putting me in that position, to begin with.

But I stopped being angry. I can't control the actions of others only my own."

It took the support of my family and a ton of self-reflection to get to the mindset I have now. Matthew had his own life to think about now and so did I.

"Do you think about reconciliation?" I squeezed the stress ball in my hands. The most challenging part of therapy wasn't the questions or the "prodding". It was facing my feelings, dealing with them.

If you want to heal, acknowledge your feelings about everything. Leave nothing untouched.

Those were the words that Dr. Yennifer Castillo uttered to me in my first session.

I've tried to take her advice since.

"No, I haven't." I felt slightly annoyed, not at Dr. Castillo but the question. At its implications.

It held the implication that if I got back together with Matthew our relationship would be the same when in fact it wouldn't.

I wouldn't be able to even look at him the same because he broke my trust. His infidelity was an action I wouldn't be able to look past.

"Have you been journaling?"

"Yes, I have." It was one of the only things that kept me sane. At the end of the day or whenever I feel like I need to express my thoughts without saying them, I write them in my journal.

"Have you ever had regrets about leaving? Or are you starting to?" Her eyes looked up from her notes to peer at me.

"I don't regret any of the actions I've taken since the day I left my ex-husband. I know what I stand on and what I don't. It was a decision I didn't have to contemplate." I answered with finality. My decision to leave was never something I regretted. I had to leave. For my sanity and growth.

Each session we did pushed me to acknowledge my emotions further, pushing my limits as well.

I was always left to think with something to think about.

"From the moment I saw him intimate with another woman in the kitchen of our home, I knew our relationship had to end." I paused, squeezing the stress ball harder than before as I started to get a little emotional.

Anytime I felt uncomfortable, angry, sad, or any emotion that I don't normally feel, I'm supposed to squeeze it.

It let Dr. Castillo know when she was getting close to my boundaries.

"The love he claimed to have for me didn't exist anymore when I saw him with her." I finished.

I let out a deep sigh, my body felt lighter after confessing that. My grip loosened up on the stress ball.

Being able to talk to someone about this crazy situation you call my life was soothing.

"Anything happen recently that's worth chatting about?" I reclined back in my seat at the question.

"I added another affirmation to my mirror," I said happily.

"What does it say?" She asked curiously.

"Staying happy and focused is a must." I recited. My mirror was getting a little crowded from all the notes but I didn't mind one bit.

"Good to hear it." She smiled. "What made you decide to add it?"