If There Was Love For Me

9 - Sickness

Gwenewith was really coming down with something, but it wasn't a cold. It was called influenza, according to the doctor who was immediately called, and it was highly infectious. To protect her health, Charlotte was invited by to stay with her fiances family and Lillian, who had had influenza already when she was a young child, was allowed to stay with Gwenewith to tend to her. That left Francesca and Maria to be placed in a guestroom until it was safe for them to return to the princesses rooms.

They didn't have to miss any of the luxuries they enjoyed with the princess, but neither of them found any pleasure in their hobbies. With each other, they soon found, they didn't have a lot to talk about, and even if they found something they were distracted with worry for the princess. So they stopped talking and just worried. Their days became reduced to their visit to the princesses doors, asking how she was and if they could do anything.

One night Maria woke up and found Francescas place in the bed empty. She found her kneeling in prayer in the sitting room, with the stars as her only light. 

"Did you wake up, or did you not go to bed at all?" The question made Francesca snap out of her daze.

"Oh. I didn't notice how late it was. I didn't want to wake you."

"No, no you didn't. I can't sleep because I worry so much."

"Me neither." Francesca fell silent, but Maria couldn't bring her self to go back to the lonely bedroom, just to stare at the ceiling and wonder if Gwenewith was going to be okay. It was better to suffer in company.

"You know that I hated her?" asked Francesca into the silence. "I used to pray for some catastrophe or sickness to take her away. I regret it now, of course, because I love her. I love her so much that it hurts right now and all I can do is ask for forgiveness and hope that god cares more about Gwenewiths happiness than about my punishment." Now Francesca turned around, still kneeling on the floor, looking at Maria with tears in her eyes.

"I am not a bad person, you know? I am not vindictive, I don't harm others for my pleasure. I just wanted to be happy. And you see, I was in love. I was in love with a boy, and he loved me back, and he wanted to marry me. And my parents didn't allow it. Because Gwenewith didn't want to marry jet, and what would it look like if the princesses cousin got married before her? People would think there was something wrong with her. And if I married somebody of a low standing, how could somebody of a higher standing be expected to marry her?"

"And the boy, Thomas, he promised to wait. He said he would wait for me and he did, for years. But Gwenewith still refused to get married and his family pressured him. So he found another girl and married her. And I know, that Gwenewith never meant to hurt me but she did. And I just wanted the hurt to go away, I wanted my love back. So I wished she would disappear so I could have him back. And now I might loose both of them."

"It... it isn't your fault."

"How do you know?"

With a sigh Maria sat down on the floor next to Francesca. "I don't know. But I think that is the thing with religion. And I believe that if god is really as wise and powerful as they say he would have known that you didn't really mean it."

"Do you believe in god?"

"I don't know."

"Me neither. Maybe that is why he is punishing us."

"Or maybe Gwenewith is sick and we don't sleep because we worry about her and now we are getting irrational because of it. But she will be fine. She will get better and we will laugh about how stupid we were."

"Have I ever told you that I am really glad you got the position as Maid in Waiting? You are nice and I feel like having you around is really good for Gwen. And you are certainly nicer than Amora." Francesca changed her position so she could lean her back against the wall and Maria did the same.

"What was up with her anyway? I have bin with you for months now and I haven't heard her mentioned until now."

"I really don't know. I don't think she was a bad person, but it was always clear she didn't want to be here. You know, her parents made her come, but she hated everything here and even tough we all tried it just didn't work. I think she tried to get caught stealing, just to get away."

"It seems like it always comes down to somebody being forced in a life they don't want. It is quiet sad."

They kept talking for a long time, until they finally went to bed.