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Title: When Sebastian met June Chapters reviewed: 1 and 2 Username: daviesbaby
TITLE: I would prefer the title to be in the present tense. Meets. But met works too I guess, as I don't read the story till the end.
COVER: Your cover is like every other typical cover for young adult stories. Nothing is actually wrong, but it's not eye-catching in any way. The kind of cover I will not even glance at in bookstores. I have no suggestion as it's a personal choice, and the title is clearly written.
BLURB: The first 'rule' of a blurb/summary is to write it in the present tense. Why? Because you're not telling us the story, but you're telling us what the story will be about. It is the first thing readers judge when they pick up your book. It could be in the past tense. But the rule of thumb should be: past tense for into that happened BEFORE the story itself, and present tense for stuff that you will tell in the story. Blurb is like a 'fact'. A fact about the book. A fact should always be in the present tense. I think in the past, many blurbs were written in the past tense. But not anymore, because the present tense is 'simple' and it conveys a sense of immediacy. The art of fiction grows with time, and it's wise to follow its growth.
CONTENT: I'll start with things you should/could improve.
Several sentences don't make sense in your writing, and two of them are:
Seven-year-old Juna is petite for her age, with bones stabbing out at weird angles and appetite to pair.
What appetite? Do I misunderstand anything?
Seven-year-old June only smiles when her more youthful sister Nadie's bubbly laughter.
Laughter is a noun. I think you mean 'laughed bubbly'. Or something like that.
And these are the parts where you could recheck and improve:
You should use only one tense in the narration unless you are talking about facts (which is a different case at all). You started in the present tense, so keep using the present tense. I suggest you use the present tense too. A short story like yours works best in the present tense because it tells the 'summary' of June's
Your voice is passive. Keep using an active voice to keep your readers' interest.
You have many incomplete sentences, wrong usage of commas. But I don't think the issue is with your commas. I think the issue is your sentence structure. You tend to waver from your main point in the sentence.
Check your dialogue tags. When you use tags like 'he says, 'she says' etc, you need to start the 'he' or 'she' in a small letter. When you have action beats after the dialogues, like 'He tilts', 'He frowns', you have to start the 'He' with a capital letter. You can read further about it on the Grammarly website.
Separate the dialogue from a different speaker. If someone is talking, keep the paragraph for the speaker only. His words, his actions, his descriptions. If you want to describe another person, start in a different paragraph. Don't share the paragraph where a different speaker belongs. For example, as in the paragraph where Sebastian says: Do you not have a name?, the only description in the dialogue is 'He tilts his head'. The next sentence, where you describe June's actions, should be in a new paragraph.
You mentioned someone named 'Nadine'. But I don't think you ever told us who she is? The sister, I guess.
Reading the story (chapters 1 and 2), I can see that you have a very serious tone in your writing, and the seriousness works wonders! Your narration is somehow poetic. The descriptions are beautiful and meaningful. You have told us what's wrong with June in your Author's Note, so there's nothing to discover from her personality, but I know that's not your focus. You're just telling us her story. Some kind of biography.
You managed to describe her life, how bad it is, how absent her mother is, without directly telling us 'she's poor and pitiful'.
You have a lot of talent to make this book great. It's good, and with some editing, it would be great. You shared a mental illness that not many people know about, and that's a very nice and informative thing. Good luck with it!
