Chapter 22- Ball

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hello my lovelies,

I hope you had a great day today and if not, I promise you there will be better times.

Have fun reading and always remember that you are amazing and enough.

I love you, bye.

Amara Thorne

Pull yourself together.

Smile.

Play along.

Don't let anyone look behind your façade.

Fucking act like your life depends on it.

Because it does.

My head is spinning, and I try to focus on one thing, but my mind is out of control. I can hear the ragged breathing and the fast pounding of my heart in my ear. Between fiddling with the zipper of my dress and trying to keep my hands steady I get more nervous every second.

My sweaty hands aren't able to pull the zipper up and it doesn't help that I can't touch the fabric of my dress in my condition without ruining it.

Fuck.

I glance in the mirror and let my gaze travel over my perfect and yet wrecked appearance.

I look fucking beautiful.

My make-up isn't smeared. The custom-made emerald-green silk dress hugs my body like a second skin. The slit on the right side, which extends to my hip bone, looks breathtaking. The diamonds sewn directly above it accentuate my waist even more and the teardrop-shaped emerald that I will wear around my neck for this night is bordered by diamonds. This jewelry and the matching bracelet are worth more than the average American can make in his life.

But that's fucking bullshit.

With the smile, I am forcing on my face so I don't lose control of myself I can't even see it myself when I look into the mirror, but I am so fucking ugly.

So fucking broken.

I can't see the flames that are lit up inside my heart or the mess inside my head.

I look fucking gorgeous but what can't be seen is the truth.

How I haven't eaten in days because I can't keep the food inside my stomach for more than a few seconds. How I don't even waste my time by trying to eat anymore.

Why should I?

It doesn't fucking matter.

It doesn't matter how skinny I get because every dress can be made tighter in a matter of minutes.

It doesn't matter that the last weeks I have barely slept but drank the entire night until I passed out.

As long as nobody can smell the liquor in my breath at the ball it doesn't fucking matter.

My reflection is smiling at me but what's behind my eyes comes not even close to happiness.

You maybe think now that I am sad or desperate but no.

I just feel empty.

Lost.

Lonely.

But soon I won't feel that way anymore.

Soon I will have power.

Because even though they do everything to keep it from me they can't anymore.

I will rip it out of their fucking hands and present them on a silver platter.

I will be a woman with power, more power than ever before and they will hate it.

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