DESIDERIUM

one

"Get it together boy, you're not that weak. Show me your beast, Rafael."

His fist collides with my shoulder and I grunt, shamelessly falling to the ground, pressing a hand to my wound, panting like I just ran a marathon instead of training for only a few minutes.

"I'm sorry, I can't-"

"I know," Tristan's rough voice interrupts me and crouches down by my side, pulling up the shirt I'm wearing, inspecting my wound.

"It's not healing," he murmurs and all I do is nod, pulling it down again, trying to stand up.

Tristan and I walk back into the small hut we call our home, while what I do is rather called limp because the wound the stupid rouges caused hurts like a-

"You know what that means, Rafael."

I look at the man in his mid-thirties nodding my head in silence once again but actually dreading what he's about to imply.

"I'm gonna have to call them... again," he sighs and I shut my eyes for a second, not wanting to think about them ever again if I'm being honest.

"It's the fourth time they attacked us in two weeks, that's too much. And with your wound not healing I'm pretty sure the rogues are not the only ones after us."

"You mean the-?"

"Hunters, yeah."

"But that means humans and werewolves are working together... or at least some of them. Why would they? And why is it, that they're after our... after the pack", I correct myself and give Tristan a sheepish smile but all he does is send me a half-grin at my slip-up.

He takes the whole thrown-out-of-the-pack-thing with a lot of humor, as do I but right now the burning in my abdomen makes me worry more than being able to laugh at our hopeless situation.

"The pack is one of the strongest but still the easiest to take down from the top five. If they can take them down, it's gonna make a statement. Mostly for the weaker packs."

"So they're not just brainless idiots," I mutter and he simply shakes his head, putting his hand on my shoulder for a moment before walking into the hallway, to our cellphone.

"Wish me luck," he says and I just give him a look, before sitting down on the couch with a pained grunt leaving my lips.

The pain doesn't lessen in time, the opposite, actually.

*

"Please tell me you're joking," I say, once he tells me the news and while I know he wouldn't be joking about something like this, I really hope he is this time.

"Rafael, just look a the state you're in."

All right so it has gotten a bit worse and I can't actually really stand up on my own anymore and breathing is actually getting really hard but- but that doesn't mean that we have to go back there.

To the place where I'll meet my stupid former best friends again and where I'll see my stupid uncle again and where I'll see my former pack again and just go back to the place I never planed on going back too ever again.

Just the thought of all those people makes me more nauseous than before.

"I'm fine," I grit out and try to sit up, succeeding after the third attempt and maybe a little help from Tristan. Just a little.

"Rafael... it was their idea. Not just because you're hurt but because it's getting dangerous out here."

A sudden panic washes over me and I scoff, giving him a glare, even tho it's not his fault in the slightest.

"Well fuck that... I-I don't want to back there, that's just-, I don't want to-, I hate them, not really b-but they hate me and I don't, I don't know-"

A hand on my shoulder makes me stop my rambling and look up at Tristan who looks down at me with kind eyes.

"Remember to breathe," he says and I try to do so, struggling because of the burning in my abdomen and the panic in my chest.

We keep holding eye contact until I calmed down at least a little and he sits down next to me, still keeping a hand on my shoulder.

"We have to. We don't know what kind of poison they used and it doesn't look like it heals on it's own. And if they attack again, we won't be as lucky anymore."

I nod, not liking what he's saying and getting at, but it really is starting to feel like my whole abdomen is on fire and these constant attacks to get on my nerves.

"I'll be on your side the whole time. I-I'm not fond of the idea of going back there either, trust me."

My face softens and suddenly I remember that I'm not the only one with bad memories and unsolved relationship issues and whatsoever.

"Fuck, I'm sorry for being difficult," I sigh, burying my head in my hands.

He tried to object but I don't let him.

"It's just... I never planed on seeing them again. I told you that I'm pretty sure we're mates, all three of us. And now that I turned eighteen-"

"Everything's gonna change," he finishes for me and I nod, not really trusting my voice anymore, after reality settles in.

In don't want to go back to the place where people don't see me as a person, but a monster.

Isn't it enough when I think of myself as one? Punish myself with the thought?

"Someone is picking up at five."

I nod, even tho my stomach is turning.

"I'll pack the most important things," he says and I'm thankful because I don't think I would be able to even stand up.

Fuck poison. Fuck rogues. Fuck hunters. Fuck Adrian an Levi. Fuck the pack. Fuck the universe. Fuck everything.

Most importantly fuck myself.