outerbanks imagines.

affairs: jj (pt2/alt. ending.)

we're doing it.
we're going to do it.
jj and i have made plans to shed the old skins of our past and begin again;
we will be brand new.
a shiver of excitement runs up my spine at the thought.
there's nobody else i'd rather begin another life with.
it'll be grand,
it'll be full of a unadulterated love that can never be replicated.
what we have and will create is what people write stories of.
it's translated in streaks of paint but here we are,
experiencing it firsthand.
i'm covered with bliss.
"you're up early,"
jj groans with an early morning stretch to his limbs.
i stare in a fascinated admiration as his golden skin gleams in the morning light peeking through his blinds.
his knuckles bury in his eyes to rid them of the lingering sleep.
"so are you,"
i finally say with a soft smile against my lips.
"mm, we've got things to do today."
jj presses a kiss to my forehead then lets his thumb trail down my cheek.
i can't help my lips that spread into the widest smile i've ever worn,
and he know this.
"i'm happy with you. you know that?"
his voice is low when he asks.
it's a vocal confession meant for my ears only.
i run a hand through his disheveled blonde hair and remember the very first time i laid eyes on him.
how far we've seem to come in such a short amount of time.
we soon climb out of bed after a few more movements of staring into the glittering eyes of one another,
and we begin another blissful today in each other's company.
it feels like an entire lifetime has passed since.
i used to wake up with a heavy weight holding me down and it nearly made me immobile.
but here i am;
i've never felt so light.
before i make my exit through the front door,
jj snakes an arm around my waist and pulls me into him,
where i'm met with the solid being and held tight.
"you'll come back, won't you?"
the words are light on his tongue before he lays a kiss to my temple.
does he need to ask?
i'd crawl until my knees bled if it meant being back with him.
"i'll always come back,"
i answer with a smile to which he returns.
we meet in the middle for a kiss of departure and i'm on my way home.
there's the sense of yearning.
it grows,
becoming stronger and stronger,
with each inch passed between jj and i.
i want nothing more than to turn this car around and find the solace in his arms,
to feel his gentle lips to my own,
to trace the lines of his smile.
it has hardly been an hour and my heart longs for my lover.
i finally park into my driveway and lean my head against the steering wheel.
is this withdrawal?
is this what has been waiting for me all this time?
the intoxication that jj is,
i should have been expecting it.
but i find that if i sit still for long enough,
i can still feel the weight of his body to mine.
how beautiful it is.

hours have passed and all that i've managed to write for a college application essay is:
"the simple pleasures of life are never ours alone."
because no matter how deeply i feel for jj,
there is still a sense of cruelty in what we have created.
it is not ours,
it is not right,
but it is a pleasure i will forever crave.
i slam my computer shut and run my hands through my hair.
i can't shake him off,
as much as i would like.
he has filled the crevices of my brain,
wrapped himself tight around my heart and stamped the letters of his simple name onto my complex heart.
as though he can tell i'm thinking of him,
my phone lights up to reveal a text from jj.
"it's done. we broke up. i'm all yours now, love."
the euphoria that fills my veins feels so bitter,
but i am too elated to think straight.
so instead of allowing myself time to gather my thoughts,
i'm back inside my car and driving towards jj's house.
i want to celebrate this moment with him.
to have him wrapped tight in my arms while listening to his symphony of a heartbeat that is fueled by our love.
when i arrive,
i waste no time flying through the front door and entering his room.
though what i've stumbled upon is not the scene i expected.
jj is bare,
much like he has been with me,
and hovering over a girl whose name i do not know.
i feel my stomach lurch and i have to grab onto something before i faint.
"you liar,"
i say,
but my voice doesn't sound like mine and this body i'm in feels foreign.
the weight of my sin comes crashing down on me and here is my karma.
i can hear jj begging me to understand that this is nothing,
just a misunderstanding.
does he not know i understand it all too well?
we have been living in this delusion of love when it's only ever been adulterous.
i understand completely.
but still,
i cannot stomach the idea of empty promises being made to other girls too.
which is why i've stumbled out of the house and back into my car.
everything feels numb.
i feel coated in melancholy and again,
i've become heavy.
the few moments of bliss were not worth this ache.
"y/n, please! just listen to me!"
jj begs from my window.
haven't i driven off yet?
i'm not present in my body but i need to be away.
ignoring his cries,
i'm back on the road i once came down to celebrate love.
and now,
i'm returning a shattered woman.
i can hear the laughter in the back of my mind.
how could i have not predicted this?
i threw everything away for a fling that was never mine to indulge in.
i'm learning that now.
i'm paying for it with each mile i put between between jj and i.
finally,
i'm back home in the bed i can wallow away in.
shock is one hell of an experience.
i don't realize how much time has passed between me and the incident until the sun has disappeared from my window and i'm met with only the crickets of the night.
and then,
footsteps.
footsteps that lead to my room and stop just at the closed bedroom door.
they're too heavy to belong to my parents.
and jj...
i would know his presence from anywhere.
but it is not him.
somehow that is both a relief and painful fact.
when the door opens to revel nick,
my lover from the beginning,
the tears begin.
he barely has time to whisper a hello before i've tangled myself in his arms and have started crying nonsensical things into the crook of his neck.
when moments pass and i can finally breathe without producing a few more tears,
i bare the whole truth to nick.
every painful, disgusting, wicked truth.
he doesn't speak for a few breaths.
i am patiently waiting for his final words to me;
the nail in the coffin of our relationship.
so while he thinks,
i allow myself the time to admire him.
nick is simple.
and chasing what i thought was better than simple has only turned out to be a horrifying lie.
it's relieving to have someone as lovely as nick before me.
it reminds me that there is still good in this world,
even if it's not inside of me.
and i know whoever chooses him will be the happiest woman on earth.
i was the happiest woman.
i should have never blinded myself with illusions.
"i forgive you. god, y/n..."
nick is on his feet now,
running a hand through his hair in frustration.
"i knew leaving was going to-to do this. it's all my fault. i could...i could tell by the way you were acting before i left. i'm so stupid. i should have stayed and fixed this with you."
he kneels in front of me then grabs both of my hands into mine.
i'm appalled he could blame himself when the only mistake has been made by my own volition.
"nick, stop. do not blame yourself. it...it was all my fault. every single bit. don't even think about shouldering this, okay? you're completely innocent and...i'm sorry. i betrayed you."
nick leans his forehead to mine and familiarity falls over me.
we've done this a million times and yet,
this time it feels different.
like a shred of our souls has fallen to shed vulnerability on this moment.
"promise me it won't ever happen again. ever,"
he asks with a whisper.
i inhale deeply and without missing a beat,
i speak,
"i promise."
nick pulls a ring from his pocket and asks me to marry him.
marry him and it'll be like none of this ever happened.
i can marry him and live the life i want,
the life i should have,
without being reminded of my sin.
so i say yes.
nick puts the diamond on my finger and there,
the burden has been lifted from my shoulders.
i have salvaged what i could,
but there is still the wreck that is my heart.
***
"you're out of the rhubarb soap?"
i ask the woman standing at the soap stand.
"a gentleman just bought the last one."
i quirk an eyebrow and ask,
"which gentleman?"
"the one right there, ma'am."
i hesitantly turn around to see jj maybank standing there with my soap in his hand.
isn't it enough he ruined everything else in my life?
he had to steal my soap too?
without saying a word,
i turn my head away from him and begin making way back to where my car is parked.
he's following me and i can hear his calls,
the sounds of my name rolling from his sweet tongue that fed me honeyed lies,
but i refuse to stop.
until i go to open my car door and he forces it shut.
"y/n, please talk to me. this-this is driving me crazy. i can't do this without you, please let me explain."
"you don't need to explain anything. you're a liar and that's okay. i was stupid, i was an idiot to think we could make it together. so, please, drop the act and leave me out of it."
i go to open my car door again when i notice his sights have fallen on a particular new feature.
i feel my heart sink and i hate how guilty i feel in this moment.
why do i want nothing more than to scoop up this hurting jj and nurse his wounds?
i shake the thoughts.
they're not mine anymore,
that's the ignorant y/n who's vessel i've rid myself of.
"what is that?"
he asks with a crack to his voice.
"nick...nick asked me to marry him."
jj swallows hard then looks back up at me with tears welling in his eyes.
somehow,
it sparks the tears in mine.
"and you said...yes? y/n, no. no! don't say yes! please, please don't marry him. i...i love you! it's supposed to be you and i, y/n, please."
this hurt is raw.
it's the same soreness i felt in my chest when i caught him so many days ago.
"jj, we were blind to think it could ever work between us."
"please don't marry him."
he puts his forehead to mine and i see the tears roll.
i let out a slight sob but hurry to reel it in.
"this is reality, jj. please...don't make this harder than it has to be."
it takes every bit of strength in me to open that car door and drive away.
to leave him back in my rear view once again.
but i can't afford to lose my life for him anymore.
what we had was unique,
but it was wrong.
jj is a serial cheater and i was a girl blinded by his charms and the promises of an exciting life.
i am to blame for the affair too.
it was not our time to steal,
not our love to share.
which is why it hurts even more,
knowing that what we thought we had was nothing more than feeble imagination.
***
"and do you, y/n l/n, take him to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
this is it.
this is the life.
everything has been right and perfect,
and i've finally reached my destination.
it was long, hard road,
but nick and i have made it.
finally.
"i do,"
i say.
and it's then i can feel those eyes burning into me.
if they could,
i knew they'd leave singe marks in my dress.
it's no surprise he showed up,
but somehow that makes this all the more hurtful.
after nick and i kiss to seal our vows and begin our marriage,
we turn to face the crowd.
my eyes meet his and in the depths of those blue eyes,
i can see what could have been our future together.
but there's no more time for what ifs and silly romantic images.
i am a married woman who has once been scorned.
and jj...
he is the imprint of the man i hope to erase from my mind one day.
—
an
hiiii sorry for the long wait on this alternate ending !!!
i hope y'all enjoyed it, i had so much fun writing it!
definitely one of my favs.
i hope you're all well and safe!
i love you all.
stay healthy & remember you're beautiful !! <33
-e