wrong move

-046-

SECRET NATALIE.

i don't want to come. i really don't want. but maybe because i love my mom so much, i will try. i will always try to understand why she keep hurting me and making everything hard for me. akala ko naiintindihan nya kung bakit ako lumayo. i hate her other family. i hate them because they took my mom away from me. i only have her when papa died, pero nawala pa. i should only be her only family as well, pero naging sila na lang. wala na ako.

that's why i keep trying hard. that's why i am afraid na maging mali ako, i'm not enough.. because, sino bang masasaktan ko, kundi ang sarili ko lang? sarili ko lang din ang hinahawakan ko, at hindi na ako pwedeng matalo.

i took my car papunta sa bahay. it was located sa catallina, kaya mahaba ang naging byahe ko. it was around 8PM when i arrived. it is still the same house i grew up with, with my papa.

"good evening, miss" akmang aagawin pa ng kasama sa bahay yung bag ko pero agad ko itong iniwas. "kaya ko na po, salamat" she bowed at me before guiding me na parang hindi ko alam ang bahay, dahil siguro bihira lang nila akong makita dito. sa loob ng tatlong buwan, dalwang beses lang ako nauwi. wala naman akong gagawin dito eh.

"tatawagin ko lang po si madam" naupo ako sa sofa at inayos ang nalukot kong damit dahil sa pagd-drive.

"my love," i stood up to greet mom. nakaayos din sya. she kissed me on my cheeks. "h-hi" i was so awkward.

"do you want something?" umiling ako. "wala naman po, magdi dinner na po ba?"

"naghahanda na, i will help them first" tumango ako sa kanya. gutom na ako.

dahil walang magawa ay nagpunta muna ako sa taas para pumunta sa dati kwarto ko. when i entered, mukhang pang bata. kulay light pink and purple, ang kama and sheets ay pink and white. everything is screaming like princess room. walang naiba man lang dito.

i sat down on my bed before opening the small door from my bed side table. i saw a small box there. and a letter.

while growing up. i am close with both of my parents. pero si papa talaga ang mas malapit, sweet, at nangi ispoil sa akin. he is the one who treated me like a real princess. however, when he died from a heart attack... everything turned so different for me, it was so hard without him by my side. i may not cry when he was gone dahil bata pa ako, but.. while growing up... mas lalo ko syang nami-miss. mas lalong masakit.

i opened the small box and i saw our polaroid picture. it's been years since it was taken sa may iceland kaya malabo na sya.

pa, i miss you so much.

i even saw a small tiara hair clip sa loob din ng box. it was made for babies kaya siguro sinuot ko ito noong baby na baby pa ako.

when i opened the letter.. it was his last message for me, during my 6th birthday. habang lumalaki ako binabasa ko to, pero lalong sumasakit kaya hindi ko na dinadala sa tinutuluyan ko ngayon.

my princess, do you love papa? because i do love you, so much. more than my life. more than all the things in this universe. you are my life.. so do you love me? i wish you are. happy birthday.

p.s: can u ask your mom if she loved me? kahit kaunti.. man lang? thank you. i love you.

do mom even loved us papa?