youth ❀ karlnap

it won't be the same

cw: hints at hopelessness/suicidal signs but no such actions, panic attack, generally lots of angst

hi sorry for lack of updates ive got a lot going on and haven't had much time to write, i just woke up today and wanted to write out of nowhere so here is a chapter : ) hopefully this will be finished soon, ive been working on it for almost a full year now

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It was hard to hang out with Sapnap now.

Not like he was boring, or that they didn't have any chemistry anymore — no, it was far from that. In fact, they were spending an incredible amount of time together ever since their sophomore year ended. And although Karl always smiled when he saw his boyfriend in his sight, they were quiet when they were close, and Sapnap didn't have much to say anymore. The light in his eyes was slowly dulling to a hopeless reflection. They both knew why he was feeling that way, but there was nothing they could do about it. The law was approved, and despite their efforts, no change occurred. Either they didn't do good enough to actually make a difference, or no one cared. Karl reckoned it was the latter.

It was hard because he was literally watching Sapnap break apart in front of his own eyes, and there was nothing he could do. He just had to rub his shoulder and tell him that everything was going to be okay, even if it wasn't.

Sapnap had been quiet about his life for quite a while, and just let Karl fill the silence with his rambling and his video-sharing. He kept his mouth shut and didn't chime in about some new anime he was watching, or the football games he was looking forward to, or give ideas as to what he wanted to do next. He would just look to Karl blankly, always indifferent no matter what happened or what activities they got up to. He would laugh and pretend like he had been listening, but there was a fogginess behind his eyes.

Karl felt like he was losing his boyfriend.

Maybe that was too dramatic of a way to say that, but it really did feel that way. Sapnap was never as excited, never as inspired, never as happy; Karl couldn't even tell if his presence mattered around him because it never seemed to lift his spirits. Not like he would ditch him if he wasn't able to make a difference, but it did sting a bit. Sometimes it was hard to accept that something wasn't your fault, and Karl just wanted to shift the blame so badly so at least there would be something he could do to change the outcome.

But in this case, that was impossible. The only people they could blame were the politicians that got everyone into this mess, and they were not swaying with their new laws.

One day history books would be documenting this period of time as one full of hate and inequality, but for some reason the general population seemed to find basic human rights something that could be debated on. Karl had tried to sit back and wait for it all to blow over, but it was just getting worse.

Why was progress moving backwards? Why did Sapnap suddenly have to feel hopeless about his transition?

Apparently the world was just cruel and liked to see its inhabitants suffer. That was why Karl found it hard to believe that there was a God looking over them, because why would an all-loving creator allow things like this to happen? To turn a blind eye while His children suffered and pleaded for His help?

He blinked a few times, but a tear still fell from his eye and splatted on the game controller in his hands. He glanced over at Sapnap, following his blank gaze into the TV screen where they were supposed to be playing their game, but Karl couldn't focus on it anymore. He was able to suppress his bad feelings every time they were together, all until now.

He was falling apart.

"Sapnap," He mumbled, his lip quivering from emotion. "Sapnap, you're not the same anymore."