It Wasn't Supposed To Happen

21

Aniruddh had now reached the first phase of his apology which was long due.
He held up her hands and brought them closer to his face making her move towards him

" Bondita...I don't ever want you to get hurt. You have no idea how much kaka and everyone else was pressuring me to make a move. And I was ok with it. Ok with whatever they said to me, threw at me. I can handle anything for you Bondita but when... when they all started manipulating you..." He was deliberately saying 'they' instead of 'kaka'. " They used you. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take that you had started to think...that I was wrong." Bondita saw tears in his eyes which made her eyes wet.

Seeing him cry made her heart tear. The  idea of every one trying to make him hurt her, thinking of him in the situation.

" For the first time you didn't believe me. You always believed me. You told me I was your sansaar..." He was slipping into his own insecurities " and then you started putting my words against their's. Bondita...I have never wanted to force my opinion on you but in the society filled with people who are trying to take advantage of my Bondita, the only assurance was that my Bondita trusted me, that if nothing else , she would listen to me when I said that something was not good for her. But when you got trapped in their web, you stopped believing me. I was hurt..." He looked down not meeting her eyes. It was not the time to be insecure, to be selfish of his feelings and emotions. " But I was way more worried, scared that my words were not enough for you anymore."

Bondita felt guilt creep up. She had given up on the trust she had on him.

" I was now scared that I would have to prove it to you that I was right,that what I wanted was for you to not get hurt." He brought her hands to his forehead and rested his head. " How could have I told all this to you then Bondita...? Proved how all of this was wrong for you. You had just finished your 11 years...! Just entered 12...! So...so young."

She knew she would not have understood all this then, she barely understood it completely now.

He still was hiding behind her hands. She tried to pull her hands and look at his face but he held onto her harder, pulling her even closer.

" You had already suffered that night. How could I  bring that horror on to you again, by my own hands...?!"

Aniruddh looked up, trying to show how weak he felt, was feeling now. " You do understand, don't you...?" He eagerly asked, wet eyes hopeful. Bondita nodded her head equally eagerly trying to assure him.

" You do...right Bondita ? I fell weak infront of the pressure. When I saw you about to fall from the cliff, I broke. You were harming yourself. I could not bear it." He hid again.

" So I tried to put a distance between us, tried pushing you away, hurting you, yelling at you and what not so that you yourself would not want to come near me but it didn't work. It was not surprising. The bond we had Bondita, the bond we have..."
Bondita really now pulled her hands from him. He looked up feeling her pull away. He didn't like it but was comforted soon as she placed her hands on his cheeks and held his face.

" The bond we have, pushing you was so hard. Not only because you were trying to get closer to me but because I myself didn't want to be away from you. The mere thought... even the thought makes me..." He closed his eyes to contain himself. Her little fingers wiping his tears.

" I am so sorry Bondita. So sorry to put you through it all. To hurt you, to make you cry. To make you think I didn't want you in my life. You didn't even know what was happening. So sorry..."

Aniruddh was not half done but had started feeling broken. Imagining all that he did to her. But what was left was for apologising for that one thing that threw their relation over the rocks.