Mind Boggled

Chapter 75

Third person pov

His fault, his fault, his fault, his fault.

Tsukauchi sits across from him, looking haggard. There are exhausted bags under his eyes and a notable slouch in his usually-straightened posture. Dabi hardly comprehends, the words repeating in his head nonstop. They've been a constant since his time in the hospital. He hadn't seen Harper since then. Not because she hadn't tried to see him, but because he didn't deserve to.

"Dabi, you have to stop blaming yourself. Everyone knows it wasn't your fault." Tsukauchi's voice was soft, accentuated by the faint sound of Sansa humming somewhere in the background. They'd brought him back to the apartment a few days ago, but he wasn't coping the way they'd hoped. How could he be? He'd just killed a kid. Harper's best friend was dead and it was all Dabi's fault, and he didn't know what to do. He could barely think. He didn't feel like he deserved to eat, or drink, or even exist. He was a piece of shit. He was just some second-rate thug Harper had decided to pick up on a whim, and now look what he'd done. He'd wrecked her life. He'd ended Kirishima's. "You know Harper texts all the time and asks about you. She wants to see and talk to you."

Harper had saved him. She had seen him at his worst, realized he needed help, and had given him far more than he deserved. She had put her trust in him almost immediately, getting him a job as her bodyguard. Dabi got a taste of what it was like to have a family again. 

He'd vowed that he wasn't going to fuck up this time. He'd poured everything into his time here, and had watched Harper grow as a person and connect with other kids her own age. She was a brilliant kid and he admired her for that, and she cared about him. He cared about her too, and never had he wanted to hurt her.

But he had. He'd never seen her so stricken before. The distant look of horror and disbelief in her eyes had made her look almost vacant, and the guilt that had poured out in her tears had wrenched at him. Because it wasn't her fault, it was his. He hadn't been watching and Kirishima had, and he'd selflessly shoved Dabi out of the way.

He'd never seen Harper so hurt. He thinks the worst part was her distant acceptance of his death. The horrifying realization that she'd not only seen him die, but had heard his thoughts go out like a dying lightbulb as well. There was no room for bargaining after witnessing-- after feeling-- such a thing. No room for denying, especially not from someone as rational-minded as she was. 

"I was the one that was supposed to get hit." Dabi croaked out, tone damn near venomous. Self-hatred swirled in the pit of his stomach like a maelstrom, his heart thundering. He felt sick. He felt worthless. He was the one who was supposed to be dead. Kirishima was supposed to be here, not him. "He's not supposed to be dead. I am! Me!"

Tsukauchi frowned at him, seeming to internally weigh his options a bit. This situation was delicate and it was still so early. So early that it hurt. Tsukauchi hadn't been as close to Kirishima as Harper was, but the kid had still been a present part in all their lives, and having him pass away so tragically hit him hard. 

He was keeping it together well, but his concern for Harper, Dabi, and even Kurogiri continued to grow as the days ticked by. Harper would hardly talk about how she was coping. He'd talked to her on the phone and asked if she'd opened up about how she was feeling to anyone, to which she'd gone quiet and told him yes. That a close friend had reached out. It was reassuring, but he still worried like any kinda-parent might.

"Harper's doing better. She's opened up to her classmates and they've really opened their arms to her." The Detective spoke as Dabi's chest heaved, tears stinging their way out of his eyes for not the first time. His emotions had been overwhelmingly tumultuous since the day of the Kamino incident. Dabi had become a husk, and Tsukauchi had no idea where to even begin fixing that. He kept his tone soft and considering. "She's still struggling with guilt of her own and grief, but she doesn't blame you, Dabi. It wasn't your fault. Kirishima chose to save you. If he had been about to get hit and you noticed, I'm sure you would've done the same. It's... It's awful, but we can't change it. He wouldn't want you to fall like this."