[✓] serendipity, yang jungwon

INTERLUDE: dear sunghoon/love, yuri

diary entries

I don't know how to start this. What am I supposed to say in things like this? Diary entries? God, I haven't even touched this book in ages. It's been what? Two years? It's been a long two years since I convinced my dad to let me finish up my therapy sessions, it's been two years since my last session where my therapist told me to write diary entries in this book. It's been sitting on my desk, untouched for two years, so why am I writing in it now?

It's simple; I don't know what to do anymore. I feel lonely, afraid, scared, unsure of what my life will be like. My mom's back, I don't know how I feel about that. I had to talk to my ex-boyfriend which made my insides twist and curl up, and the one guy I let myself open up to, let me down even after promising he wouldn't. 

I hate making promises. 

Anyway, I was going to address this as 'Dear Diary,' but that felt weird because no one is going to ever read this first of all, and second of all, dear diary?? What's the point in that? Can't I just write the date and start writing? But my therapist did say it was good to address who I was writing to at the start of every entry, so I guess I'll start addressing one person whenever I write in here. 

Dear Sunghoon, 

I feel lonely. 

There's nothing that can make me any more lonely than not being with you, or. . . Jungwon. 

Sure, I have Seo-Jun and Ji-Woo, Ha-Yoon and Seo-Yun, but nothing's quite like hanging out with you, or sharing daily photos with Jungwon. There's nothing quite like resting against you on my couch as we watch k-dramas together, or feeling Jungwon's knees against mine as we sit side-by-side in class. 

I also feel empty. 

Why?

Well, I made an exception for Jungwon, I made promises with him, I gave him my heart even if he wasn't asking for it, and he let me down. He didn't necessarily leave me, but it felt like he did in that moment. 

My coping mechanisms so far: listening to Taylor Swift, watching It's Okay To Not Be Okay, Crash Landing Onto You, and Goblin. That's it. I've been lying in my bed, crying my heart out, then getting out of bed to pee and eat, avoiding my father's words, avoiding my stepmother's looks, my sibling's attempts at conversations. They don't understand how I feel. Not like how you do, Sunghoon. 

I miss you. I miss Jungwon. But I don't miss my mother. 

Love, Yuri.