To have and to loathe

• 𝐂hapter 25

I was getting married in a few days and just had sex with my child's mother whom I was supposed to dislike.

If that wasn't cliche I didn't know what was.

It was certain now that my initial decision to sleep with Hope and wring her out of my system had backfired. I'd wanted her just for one night, I'd wanted to touch her so bad that I had damned the consequences. And now, I was paying for it because one night and I was already longing for way too much. 

And I tried, believe me, I tried to rid myself of these feelings, I even sunk out of bed this morning and went for a long run thinking it would help clear my head but it didn't. It wasn't possible anymore. I had feelings for her: desire, want, the need to claim, to own, and then there was this particular feeling blooming in my chest that I was unable to name. And I wasn't sure I wanted to.

A tight ball of rage twisted in my gut. I hated this. I hated not understanding myself. Fuck, It had been only been two weeks and she had somehow managed to get under my skin in the most intense way possible.

And now she was weaving her way into the hearts of my family; laughing with my sister and getting along with my stepmother. They were sitting on the couch, laughing over some girly bullshit and she must have felt my gaze because she suddenly peaked over her shoulders, sending a cheeky smile my way.

What the fuck?

It was as though the wind had been knocked out of my chest. I looked away instantly. Fuck this. I needed a moment to get myself together so I padded towards the kitchen, eager for a much-needed coffee and maybe some roofies to help me get high enough to forget.

The moment I entered the kitchen, I regretted it because my sister, Gwendolyn attacked me.

"Jesus, Killian. Did you guys have to be so loud last night?" She complained, strolling towards me.

I turned to face the coffee machine. "I don't know what you're talking about."

She slapped me across the arm. "Don't play dumb. The next time you want to shag your girlfriend remember your room is just a door away from mine."

This was honestly a topic I didn't want to talk about. "I'm innocent," I said dryly, reaching into the cupboard just above me for mum's English Breakfast tea. "Tea?"

She rolled her eyes and leaned her hips on the counter next to me. "Yes."

I turned the ground mix into the machine and snuck two cups under the filler. Two minutes and we were both sipping our cups and walking out of the kitchen.

I propped myself on the door and scratched my jaw as I shot Hope a sideways glance.

She was still laughing and listening intently to the many stories that gushed out of Eve's lip. They seemed to be getting along well and it came as a surprise to me because Eve was always picky with her friends and I hadn't expected Hope to be so open to this ruse.

"This all seems unbelievable," Gwen spoke, interrupting my thoughts.

"What?" I asked, my eyes still on the reason for my scattered thoughts.

She nodded towards Hope. "You and Hope."

I sipped my tea. "What about us?"

"I did my research, you know." She leaned back and watched them just like I did. "She doesn't really seem like your type."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Come on," she nudged me playfully. "She isn't the high-class supermodel you usually go for. What is it about this one?"

"She's different," I said simply, wanting to avoid this conversation at all cost but knowing my sister, she was going to pry.

"That's obvious. Give me something deeper."

I shrugged. "I don't know, she just challenges me in ways most women don't." And that was true. Sometimes her dismissal of my authority burned and tilted my temper. So much that sometimes I was stupefied, other times, I just wanted to lay her down on my thighs and spank her ass red until she submitted.

"I see," she chuckled. "So it's real, then?"

I finally dragged my eyes away from up and looked at her. "You mean?"

"This whole thing." She waved her hands at me. "The engagement. The wedding. It's real?"

It wasn't.

None of this was—my feelings for her, the intense urge to have her all to myself —none of it was. And the only real thing was she was pregnant and soon I was going to be a father. I was going to have to take up a position I never wanted to fill and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

I sipped from my tea. "Yes."

"Good." She rubbed my arm. "She's good for you Killian. We talked for a while today and she actually seems like a nice person. Maybe she can actually help you heal."

"I'm not broken." I gruffed. "I don't need healing."

"The two women you ever cared about either died or broke your heart to pieces." She sighed. "I know you still haven't told anyone the full story behind Megan and I know it wrecked you. I also know you still blame yourself for mum's death and you've still not stopped hurting."

I clenched my fingers around my mug. "I stopped grieving a long time ago."

"Must be why I saw you lurking around mum's crypt this morning then.

My jaw ticked with annoyance.

"You got the wrong idea."

"Your denial doesn't mean I'm not right." She smiled at me and tapped my shoulders. "Just be good to Hope and don't run away from your feelings."

I rolled my eyes. "Great, now you sound like mum."

"I am her daughter after all." She chuckled, right about when Eve shouted.

"Breakfast!"

I pushed myself and walked into the dining hall, clearing my thoughts as I sort to join Hope for another ruse.

Gwen was wrong. I wasn't broken. I didn't need healing. I didn't need anyone. Not even Hope or the baby. I was just fine on my own.