Mission Wall-E || Jakehoon

Twenty-five: Dollhouse

Major tw for this one!!! Some very sensitive topics are mentioned and I don't want to upset anyone who relates to them^^
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The day had already started off bad for Jungwon when he woke up. He'd rather not think about it, but as his head hit the airplane window softly, looking at the clouds, he wished he was back in arms that guided him to sit down on a stranger's bed. He felt bad at the time, for causing a ruckus, but now he just misses the feeling of being one with a group of people who cared for him with barely having known him. He felt an empty pit inside him, and he'd rather not notice it was there in such a strong way.

He'd like to think he's pretty self-aware. But in actual reality, he knows he's not. Everything he is seems to be dependent on others, and if he could just stop that attachment then maybe he'd be able to actually see what he was doing with his life.

As he looked down at the grounds of Thailand disappearing slowly from his surroundings, he squeezed his lips together to feel his cheeks puff out, leaving them dented with dimples. He already missed everyone. Things seem incomplete but it's not like he can change it or think up some magically meaning to the experience like he knows Sunghoon would. His mind always did things like that. He doesn't quite understand the boy, but he guesses that's what draws him closer to him. When he was with Sunghoon he didn't have to think about himself. He could just sit in unity with him and listen to him talk on and on about how a Rubix cube worked. He himself never thought about those things (even though he wishes he could understand them on as deep of a level he did), but he'd often feels like he was floating when he listened to them. If he could just stop worrying about everyone else, and what people wanted from him, or what was acceptable he could have time to think like Sunghoon. He could be as smart, he could notice the patterns he did. But Jungwon didn't feel comfortable enough in his abilities to do such things.

When he had woke up this morning no one else was up and moving yet. He was used to waking up early now, from all his nurses back in the walls of the white wing of that building forcing the early schedule upon him. Sure he could nap for long times, but he always felt on edge, even in his sleep. Like a nurse was hovering over his bed taking notes, or like a psychiatrist was watching him from across the room. But still, it felt strange to be up when the sun had barely even risen.

He had made his way down the hallway into the little bathroom and closed the door behind him. He didn't use the toilet or shower, he just checked his phone.

6:45 am

Something about the time made his chest tighten. It was probably just because it was seen as odd to most people to be up at that time, but it could have just been because he was aware he had a flight to catch in a few hours.

He locked his phone. He set it on the counter next to the cup of toothbrushes. He leaned on the surface with his palms, lifting himself up slightly so he would stand on his tip-toes. He gazed down towards the sink. He took a mental note of how he still felt like a nurse was just around the corner, about to scold him for having the bathroom door closed just so he could hurry out an apology. But he was alone and he could hear everything around him so clearly but with great fuzziness within the morning silence. His heart seemed like it was beating so fast. Just the fact that he was awake and moving and had to worry was making him feel nauseous. Just eating breakfast seemed like a chore. Packing his bag to leave for the airport seemed like a chore too. And just putting in the effort to lift his head to look up a small circular mirror seemed tiring.

Mirrors always seemed weird to him. They showed his face, and he recognized it, but it's like he didn't know who he was making eye contact with. He knows Minju or Sunghoon, who always seemed so lovely and philosophical, would say eyes are the window to the soul and mirrors are portals to other dimensions, and that's why they seemed odd for him to look into. Which he found interesting. But he also didn't quite get it. He did, in theory. But not practically. But is it not just his reflection? Is it not just the feeling of looking at a stranger? Because when he looks at himself he wants to ask the boy with dimples and a small nose ring how he's doing, and how's his day going, but he just can't seem to do it. He can do it for everyone else so easily, but when it's him it doesn't seem morally right for some reason.