The Deep Oneshots Part 1

Incorrect quotes

While I'm working on other chapters enjoy a bunch of incorrect quotes from Kaiko adopting all the children au.

*Everyone is giving advice to Alpheus *
Will: It's okay to ask for help.
Kaiko: You're not a burden.
Maddy : Murder is okay.
Fontaine : Your feelings matter.

Ant: Kaiko has never seen Star Wars? Alpheus , the only people in the universe who haven't seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars and that's cause they lived them, Alpheus ! That's cause they lived the Star Wars

Kaiko: While we're gone, you're in charge Ant.
Ant: Yes!
Will, whispering to Alpheus : You're secretly in charge, but I don't want them to feel bad.
Alpheus : Obviously

Kaiko: Who hurt you?
Alpheus: *snorting* What, do you want a list?
Kaiko: ...Yes, actually

Finn : God has let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.

Fontaine : My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.
Finn: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*
Fontaine : That one. I want that one

William, at Finn : Would you like to stay for dinner?
Kaiko , from the kitchen: Would you like to stay forever!?!

Ant: *holding a salt packet* It's just a little sodium chloride.
Alpheus : Actually Ant , it's salt.
Ant : That's what I said, sodium chloride.
Alpheus : Uh Ant , that would be salt.
Alpheus : *takes salt packer from Ant * This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little s**t

Maddy: Ugh, there's always that weak b**ch in the group who isn't down with murder.
Maddy: *glares at Ant*
Ant: Well, sorry I have morals!

Alpheus to Ant: I'm running on 2 hours of sleep and fear if you say another word I'm going to murder you.

Ant in his new wet suit: I bet it feels nice doesn't it? Having a nice suit EVERYTHING ITCHES

*Alpheus seeing Finn flirting with Fontaine*
Alpheus: Aria how do I hide a body.

Finn: I have a new hoodie.
Fontaine : Wrong.
Fontaine : We have a new hoodie

Kaiko : Why'd you do that?
Ant: I'm fearless.
Fontaine : I saw you run from bat yesterday. You flailed around and tripped over a chair. It was both hysterical and sad.
Ant: I'm mostly fearless.

Kaiko: Yes, I'm adopting Alpheus and you cowards can't tell me no!

Kaiko : You're a lying piece of s**t!
Fontaine : Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!
Ant : I'm leaving and I'm taking Alpheus with me!
Will, gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today.

Alpheus: Maddy! What did I tell you about lying?
Maddy, looking down: ...That it only works on Finn

Kaiko: *cocks gun* Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, This is now a Threat.

Ant: How many vampires do you think have been hit by a car backing up in a parking lot because the driver couldn't see their reflection?
Fontaine : I've never considered it but you're really shining light on what's probably a very serious issue.

Ant: Did you win? Or just not die?
Ant: Either way, hooray.
Alpheus : ...Is "no" a valid answer?
Ant: The hooray is redacted and you frighten me.

Ant: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?
Alpheus : Neither.
Alpheus : Because it's twelve

Ant : I know this isn't going to end well and I don't care. So don't you try and stop me, Alpheus!
Alphues: I wasn't stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this

Fontaine : Who the f*ck added me to a fucking group chat?
Finn : >:O language
Ant: Yeah watch your f*cking language
Will: Okay, who taught Ant the f*ck word?!
Kaiko : 'The f*ck word'.
Alpheus : Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Ant: Oh my god they censored it
Kaiko : Say f*ck, Alpheus .
Ant: Do it, Alpheus . Say f*ck.

Ant: Who wants to make fifty bucks?
Alpheus : How?
Ant: I need someone to take the fall.
Alpheus : What did you do?
Ant: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked.
Will, from the other room: Oh my god.
Ant: ...
Will: OH MY GOD!
Alpheus : Make it a hundred.
Ant: Deal

Kaiko : That's it, I'm cutting off the internet!
Fontaine: No, please don't! I have a family to feed!
Kaiko:
Kaiko: What?
Fontaine : I need to feed my Neopets!

Pyrosome :How many children do you have?
Kaiko: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference.

Alpheus while being heald hostage: do you really think I'm worried about this, I'm failing trigonometry AGAIN

Ant: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*
Kaiko : What did you do?!
Ant: NOBODY DIED!
Kaiko : WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Kaiko : Oh, hey, I didn't see you come in! You should have come by and said hello!
Alpheus : Oh! Yeah, I uh...
Alpheus : Didn't want to bother you.
Alpheus : Or talk to or listen to or be around you.

Alpheus : You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?
Kaiko : Several traffic violations.
Will: Three counts of resisting arrest.
Fontaine: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.
Ant: Also, that's not our car.

Will: I hope you have an explanation for this.
Maddy: We have three actually-
Fontaine : Pick your favorite.

Finn : The floor is lava!
Will: *helps Kaiko onto the counter*
Maddy: *kicks Ant off the sofa*
Alpheus : *lays on the floor*
Fontaine : ALPHEUS NO

I got most of these from a incorrect quotes generator and the rest online, if you want the quote generator just ask.

Thanks for reading please leave any thoughts or suggestions in the comments.