This Love ✔️

This Insight Part 1

Because you all deserve it:)

Bash

"I promise I won't fall in love with you."

The words reverberate in my head after Sadie leaves until my heads starts to ache.

When I was twelve years old my Dad had a bad day and drank more than he should have. With red eyes and slurred words he leaned in close to me, his hot breath fanning into my face. The stench of alcohol was so strong and I hated it but I refused to move because my younger brother was cowering behind me. If my Dad ever wanted to lay a finger on Luca, he would have to kill me first. Luca was more than my brother, he was my best friend and I even boasted about that to my friends, as embarrassingly as that sounds; my ten year old brother being my best friend. But he was, that's the great thing about siblings, they're built in best friends.

Over the years we formed a bond that no other normal brother duo had created. I think it has to do with the fact that when my Dad first clenched his fist and swung, I was the one to take it, just like every other time after that. I'm always the one staring into my Dad's eyes as my little brother holds back tears behind me, which always pissed our Dad off to no end.

But what came out of my Dads mouth broke that bond we had worked so hard to keep safe.

"He's not your real brother."

My whole world stilled at that moment. The birds outside the window stopped flying, the clouds stopped moving, the cars stopped in their tracks, and my heart ceased to beat.

Confused, I asked him what he meant. I thought he was just saying random things because he was drunk and he wanted what he couldn't get, always a weakness of his.

He then told me the whole story, every vital detail. So many stories, proof, and memories that I believed him. I had to.

And even though I stood there, tears falling down my cheeks freely, my body raking with sobs, he dug around for an old photo. A photo of my mother, my real mother.

That night when the woman I called Mom came home she found her husband passed out in the kitchen, her youngest son fast asleep in his bed while his brother stared blankly at him from the corner of the room.

"What are you doing still up Sebastian?" Her soft and sweet voice asked me as she peeked into the room.

"Dad got drunk again," I said expressionless.

I heard a sigh and she walked fully into the room and softly closed the door behind her. "Did he touch you," she asked with a deadly voice. She might have been oblivious and gone when it came to my Dad and his anger but she wouldn't stand for him laying a single finger on either of her sons.

"No," I lied, just like I did every other time.

She slowly walked over to me, her pulled back hair and blue dress illuminated by the moonlight seeping into the room from the windows. When she got close enough she kneeled in front of me and gently said, "Why don't you go to bed sweet heart, it's late." I remember her kissing my forehead and graciously walking over to Luca's sleeping form and kissing his own forehead.

She turned back to me and said, "What are you still doing in here? Go to bed Seb, you have school tomorrow."

Instead I stood motionless in front of Luca's bed, watching my little brother dream about another world. I spent so much of my energy and happiness protecting him because I thought he was my brother, but he never was.

"Seb," she said more sternly, walking towards me in the dark. "Did you hear me?"

So many happy memories washed away by a single photograph. Sitting outside in the sun with Luca and my Mom. Helping her bake cookies. All the birthday parties she hosted for me and the huge kiss she would plant on my cheek as soon as I blew out the candles. All of it was a lie.

She kneeled in front of my again, her eyes zeroed in on that piece of paper clutched in my hand. "What do you have?"

I let her take the picture, only so I could see the truth crossing her face.

She swallowed and breathlessly said, "Where did you get this Sebastian?"

"It's true isn't it?"

Her bright brown eyes, wet with tears shone in the darkness of that bedroom. "Seb," she begins.

"You're not my mother," I said dazedly, watching as her face crumbled. "You're a liar, that's all you ever will be to me."

Then I took the picture out of her lifeless hand and stormed out of that bedroom, into my own.

I snap my eyes open, forcing the memory to leave my brain. I stare at my empty ceiling trying to sort out my thoughts. It always amazed me how Sadie could believe in love. That night proved to me that love didn't exist, it was all just a lie told by the universe.

'But you told Sadie...' my subconscious tells me.

Yes, I told Sadie, no, promised her that I wouldn't fall in love with her. How long did that promise last? About ten seconds.

It wasn't when I was inside of her, I'm not that much of a d-bag, it wasn't when I was stripping off her clothes or kissing her lips.

It was when I stared into her eyes, really stared and saw love staring back at me for the first time in a long time. Not necessarily for me but for everyone. It astounded me how someone could be so open to everyone and not have any walls built up. What astounded me even more was that people did betray her, just like they betrayed me, and yet she was willing to let me in when she knew the risks of how much of an asshole I could be. No one has let me in before, no one has trusted me as much as she has, and when I looked into her eyes I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let her down.

And how long did that last? Around two hours.

When I heard something crash I sprinted from my room, having already put on pants, and jumped down the stairs.

I was about to open my mouth to call her name when I heard her speak. "Lucas."

I slowed my steps, curious, and snuck into the dining room that branched off of the kitchen. I had a perfect hearing point where I could hear both of them talk.

Already I could feel the guilt consuming me and I knew what was coming. I should have stopped it, I could have, but I knew it wouldn't have helped anything. Either Lucas would find out a way to tell her later or the guilt of me lying to her would have killed me, so I kept my mouth shut and heard Lucas tell her everything.