Save Me (An Eddie Diaz 911 Fanfiction)

Interlude: January 23rd

TRIGGER WARNING ****Deals with Discussions of Miscarriage, Child Loss, and Rape****** (WATERWORKS WARNING)

If Christmas came with dancing and laughter, January 23rd dawned with a palpable heaviness that seeped into bones and weighed down Jane to the point where she struggled to breath when she woke up. It felt as if she had been caught in a current and pulled down to the bottom of the ocean. She could feel that pressure on her chest, like the weight of thousands of gallons of water, keeping her in place so much so that she didn't even feel as if she could move her head. Blinking took an effort that she had never previously exerted.

This year was worse than last year, despite the fact that time was supposed to heal all wounds. Considering she felt as if she'd just been cut open, Jane thought whoever came up with that expression must have been a liar. Time, if anything, had just made the absence more real. It had cemented the fact that a child who was supposed to be present in her life, was not there. There would be no birthdays. He would not crawl. He would not walk. He would not go to school. He would not graduate. He would not get married. He'd never have children of his own.

The absence was more real than feeling of the downy sheets under her fisted hands. The absence was more real than the hum of the air conditioning turning on in the building. The absence was more real than the blood that had begun to pool in her mouth when she muffled her crying by biting down on her lip.

He would have been a year old today. He would have been walking, making noises, and maybe talking, giggling as he fell down and pushed himself back up again. He would have been happy. She would have made sure that he was happy.

She didn't want to get out of bed that morning. There were no mantras to be used to reassure herself that this day would be anything but dark, no matter the sun that shined brightly through the blinds in her bedroom. There were no real reasons to get out of bed, at least none that overpowered the incredible grief that was so real it suffocated her.

Felix understood her. He always did, which is one of the reasons that Jane was so fond of him, despite his quirks and strange love for Seinfeld. Fortunately for Jane, the cat was beginning to get less annoyed when she put on Friends reruns, although he still didn't let her get through more than four episodes before he pawed at the remote if he was in a bad mood. Still, he understood that some days, Jane wouldn't want to leave bed. He understood her that morning and so he nuzzled his way under the covers and into her arms. He allowed her to cradle him, an activity he usually considered undignified, and he nuzzled under her neck as she cried into the pillow. Yes, the cat understood.

She lay in bed for hours. When she had first opened her eyes, the room was still clouded in shadows and the numbers on her phone spoke of an impossibly early time. Now, the sun was higher in the sky, its strong rays warming the room. Still, her eyes stared blankly up at the ceiling while her hands absently stroked the soft fur of her feline companion. Her heart hurt more than words could ever express.

She was just about to start crying again when her cell phone rang. Knowing that if she didn't answer her phone today, her friends would panic and come check on her, she answered the phone, not even bothering to check to see who it was. She didn't want them to come. She didn't want anyone to come.

"Hello," the greeting was perfunctory, absent of her usual cheer and warmth.

"Hi!" Karen's voice was high pitched, and it seemed to be desperately trying to fill the phone with enough of her own cheer to cover up Jane's negative supply. "I wanted to call and ask if you wanted to come out with me and Denny today. We were going to maybe head to the mall and pick up some shoes, and then maybe go for a walk in the park."

"I'm sorry, Karen. I am just going to stay home today." In reality, her mind had begun to picture what Karen had asked her. There would be children at the mall. She'd be expected to go into the shoe store, where she would pass mothers with strollers, mother's holding their child's hands, fitting their children for shoes. She would pass aisles of baby shoes. Then...she couldn't bring herself to imagine what the park would be like. So many children. So many mothers who had their children. Then, of course, there was Karen. Karen, who was a mother with a child. Karen, who was able to make Denny dinner, help him with school, love him, and fall asleep knowing that he was safe in her home.