unconditionally//unrelentlessly

-- BEST FRIEND pt 2

cw - a lot of vulnerability and (ugly) honesty

to the one "best friend" that i never got over:

i'm not sure how i bring myself to miss you and think of you when the bitter taste of our friendship still rots on my tongue, poisoning me from the inside out. we were close, we were close, we were so close and pretended not to see when suddenly we weren't close anymore. then one day (after so many of radio silence) there was no 'we' anymore. it felt like the ultimate betrayal to me even though i knew i didn't even like you anymore. honestly, i hated you. i still do. i dislike everything about you, and yet i'm drawn to you. i wish desperately that we were still friends and god if that doesn't make me hate myself. on those random pensive days when i find myself lost in my twisted thoughts i think of you and how perfect we were as best friends. you are disgusting and horrible and mean and toxic and i hate you i hate you i hate you. yet, we are the same. you am i, and i am you in all the worst ways.

this still isn't closure.

(when you think of her and her life looks so fucking perfect it makes the rage burn so hot you want to throttle someone (her) until their (her) lips are blue and they (she) won't forget the kiss of your fingers around her neck because she doesn't deserve it. not one bit. it's the truth, you only speak the truth you aren't

blind with jealousy
blind with jealousy
blind with jealousy
blind with jealousy
blind-with-jealousy..
blind-with-
j e a l o u s y

jealous)

_
the story.
(an unintentional, yet ironically fitting, conan reference, except there was no love between the two of us)

the INSECURITIES first came because you were so much prettier than me and because i KNEW how the social hierarchy worked

(PRETTY girls hang out with PRETTY girls just like the COOL kids hang out with the COOL kids and the NERDS hang out with the NERDS)

(you were pretty, i was not; 1 + 2 does not equal 2. i was always waiting for the other shoe to drop; you and i were an inevitable disaster. it had always been a question of when, not if)

i felt GRATEFUL you would be friends with someone like me; not pretty (like you), not witty (like you), not loud (like you), not cool (like you), not not not not not anything, NOTHING.

these drowning thoughts filled my mind and slipped down to my lungs and heart with the intent to kill. (i was nothing compared to you. i am nothing. i don't deserve you. i am nothing. i am nothing. i am nothing)

your ACCEPTANCE— it meant everything to me and i tried to say thank you by doing everything i could FOR you

your APPROVAL came to me through the vitriol i spat like poison from my lips, shocking and HURTFUL to many people, but FUNNY to you

(and that's all i cared about, really)

this bitter venom corrupted my mind and heart. i died and transformed into a MONSTER with a heart of cyanide for you, i ripped my judgement from my chest and laid it prostrate at your feet

(i let you weigh my heart, i let you deem me of being worthy or unworthy)

i noticed the way other girls looked, the way they dressed, the things they said, the way they acted, and i REPORTED it all back to you in a vicious manner like the stupid little sidekick i let myself turn into

i slandered and shamed girls and i felt FREE because you awoke a terrible thing in me and this was the only way to let it OUT

but then you LEFT me and i was forced to live with what i had become: shame myself for the things i thought, blame myself for the things i said, hate myself for the way i acted

now you're BACK and i realize i don't want to let the monster come out again and it HURTS me to do this but this time around i'm going to say NO to you

this time i will say no to you

( i was insecure
/you offered me an outlet
/i took it )

_
how do i learn to forgive myself?
how do i learn to love myself?
how do (can) i forgive you?
how do (can) i let you go?
i still love you,
is that ok?
i still
think
about
y
o
u
,
is that ok?

what do i do , i don't know what to do , tell me what to do ,

please ,
tell me
how to
let you
g
o