𝐋𝐢𝐚𝐫, 𝐋𝐢𝐚𝐫 | 𝐉𝐉 𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐤

09. rake.

N I N E
rake.

I've never been in a psych ward. But I think that's where I'm headed.

Vibrant halls that hide the true nature of the walls, cold rooms, vacant stares, pills getting given out every twenty minutes. Security guards pulling people into safe rooms, getting jabbed with medicine that makes you sleep. Bland food, lace-free shoes, nurses following you, layers of locked doors.

It seems like that's my next stop in life. Because I swear I am going insane.

Everything is so confusing, the lines are so blurred, it's all so messy. There's no black and white, just all the shades of grey ever created. Things that should be clear-cut, aren't. I can't trust my own mind, let alone other people's. How do I know they aren't leading me astray—not necessarily purposefully, but even accidentally, the actions would have dire consequences.

Who can I trust? No one knows the full story, all the sordid secrets I've tried to keep. They're slipping away.

The lies I've kept are becoming like water in my hands, dripping passed my fingers. I don't have anyone to catch them for me. Because, in all reality, my lies have separated me from everyone else. I've burned bridges behind people's backs, and when I begin to crumble they won't be able to help me.

I was brought up with the mentality that I shouldn't lie, but that's not how life works. I was told to be selfless, and help others before myself. Put other people's masks on in a plane crash, before my own. Exactly what you're not supposed to. You shouldn't save other people if it will kill you. I think all the lies began when I tried to be selfish, it was the beginning of my downfall—wanting a break from Rafe, creating a small window in time where I could be selfish. Foolishly assuming that I could open the door once, then close it forever.

Rafe's not a complete idiot. He has a brain that, when he's not completely coked out, works normally. So, he knows something is wrong.

Between the party where he left me on the beach, my disappearing for a day and ignoring his texts, to my Mum lying about a psychiatrist appointment, only for me to be seen on a boat with the Pogues. It doesn't take a genius to put the pieces together.

Sure, that doesn't mean I'm sleeping with any of them. I've been friends with Kie since the beginning of time. But Rafe is jealous, he'll just assume.

And he'd be right.

"You coming, Mabel?" JJ asks, I look at him, holding the door open for me. I give my head a tint shake, trying to get myself to stop spiralling.

Overthink later, Frankie. Pour yourself a bath, eat chocolate and overthink the meaning of life, later.

"Yeah. Sorry." I apologise stiffly.

The other three are already wandering inside, talking animatedly, recounting the events of the hectic afternoon. Filling each other in on our separate missions. Kie explains that the man was staring at my tits the entire time, and apparently JJ fell over. Not shocking.

"You alright?" He asks, sounding mildly concerned.

I want to confront him, demanding answers as to what Kie's words meant. Surely she was wrong. Because if she wasn't, this entire selfish situation dies. And I don't know how I would go back to how it was before. Without my breaks in reality.

The—admittedly limited—space in my head is so full of the dumpster fire that is my relationship with Rafe, and the subsequent fires that there is no room to make clear-headed decisions.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I tell him stiffly. "I'm going inside." I begin walking inside, hardly talking to him.

Kie greets her father who, whilst giving her a brief hug, shoots me a warm smile. "Good to see you, Frankie," he greets me.