Dead Man Walking | Rick Grimes

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Bowing my head respectfully, I said a final goodbye to Jesus as they lowered his casket into the ground. I wish I had pulled my head out of my ass sooner and made amends with everyone here at Hilltop. But I can't change the past, and I can't change how I felt at the time—there's only one way to go from here, and that's up. It's a total cliché, I know, but it's the truth. My—our, Alexandria's, and my—relationship with the Hilltop can only improve. The crowd started to disperse around me, but my eyes stayed on one person.

Daryl stood by Tara with his arms crossed in front of his chest as they spoke quietly. While we didn't have sex last night, things have certainly taken a sharp turn in our relationship. I wish I could say emotions got the best of me like they once did when I planted one on Rick the first time, but no. I wanted to kiss him. I can't lie and say the thought never crossed my mind, but after everything that happened with Rick and falling madly in love with him, all those thoughts died. Do I regret what I did? No. Would I do it again? Probably.

But am I in the right place to pursue something new with a man I basically considered my brother for a long time? That one is up in the air. I'd like to think I'm healed and that it doesn't sting to think about Rick, but that simply isn't the truth. If it were, why would I dedicate a few hours a week to speaking to his memory at the bridge? Why do I feel this pang of guilt in my chest whenever I look at Daryl?

The attraction is there, but are my feelings for Rick gone? No, I don't think they ever will be. I can't help but feel a smidge like Lori. God, here I am beating that horse again. I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair, still feeling like a complete asshole. What are the chances that something romantic could blossom between Daryl and I? Could something survive between us? It's not like we're the youngest people on the planet anymore. We're in our forties, but that doesn't mean we can't come together, right? Ugh, look at me. I'm fighting with myself over my emotions like a girl who's trapped in high school!

Daryl pulled away from Tara, his eyes trained on me. I couldn't help but feel awkward as he started in my direction; a slight sting of panic brewed in my uneasy stomach. This is a sign from the universe that I never should have done what I did! I wanted to high-tail it out of Hilltop and return home to Alexandria, but my feet stayed glued to the ground. He didn't show signs of unease and possible regret like I'm probably showing, so does that mean he wants this to happen? Do I want this to happen? That's the real question here. Why couldn't I stay in that moment of bliss where my mind didn't assault me? Daryl paused a few feet in front of me and nodded his head in the opposite direction. I followed closely, my mind continuing to turn on its gears.

When he finally stopped, we were back near the stables and practically alone. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and bit my lip, trying to think of something to say to break this awkward tension I felt. Does he feel it, too? Or am I the only idiot that's completely overthinking this? Daryl turned towards me and searched my face, seemingly as torn as I was. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Suddenly, my mind was blank, and I had nothing to say to the man before me.

"We ain't gotta talk about it if you don't wanna," He murmured, his eyes studying my face. "But if I know you, that's what you wanna do," I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, a slight nod being the only thing I could muster right about now. There he goes, proving that he's the only person who knows me this well.

"I don't regret it," I started, trying to unravel my thoughts and feelings, "I would probably do it again if given the chance, but I can't help but feel—"

"Like we're sneaking behind his back," He finished for me. My brow creased, and I nodded. That's exactly what this feels like. He's been gone for six long years, and I'm still not completely over him. I don't think I ever will be.