"Did you ever feel anything at all?"
"What do you think? I have no better job than to engage myself in meager things like feelings?"
"Then why......w-why did you act as though you cared?"
"Coz it was fun in the beginning then I grew tired of it. Lo...
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It's been a while since Randhir gave me a grand tour of the place. Currently we are sprawled on his backyard gazing at the night sky...all cozy and warm from the blankets.
To say that I'm not amazed by this place would be an understatement. The serene beauty, flowery smell, mud, water and that essence of freedom in the air is all magical and simply beautiful. How many times have I craved for a place like this all my life? A place just for myself...which I would call 'home'...where I could run away to hide from all the chaos and noise life throws at me. A place which will be my temporary escape and forever safe place.
But life's not all roses and smiles. I couldn't dream of affording such a place...I had too much in my life which needed to be my immediate priorities rather than finding my 'safe place '. Maybe one day I could own a place like this...away from mankind and closer to nature. One day.
I tilt my head and look at the man who managed to bring me to an unknown place at a strange hour...If you had told me I would be doing all this even before a month, I would have laughed at your face. Because to be the person I'm now, either you should be incredibly stupid or simply courageous. Stupid as to trust someone who's almost a stranger with your life or courageous to take a leap of faith for someone you want to trust. See, I'm not stupid..I know randhir isn't a complete stranger ...he can't cause me harm..atleast physically. I'm well acquainted with his identity in college. But what I'm confused about is..'why am I breaking all my self imposed rules for this guy? Why am I letting him in after all I've been through? Why him? Why now?' Maybe I'll never know.. but I sure want to find out.
"So am I your new star?" He brings me out of my thoughts train. He has that teasing smile on his face but he's still watching the sky.
I know I've been caught staring,,
"Maybe" I say confidently resuming my star gazing. I can see the upturn of the corner of his lips from my peripheral vision. We fall back in to comfortable silence until-
"Do you believe in love?" I blurt out.
Shit I don't even know why I asked that... why can't you keep your mouth shut for a while Sakshi? God this is embarrassing.
"Yes I do" he replies rather calmly. We both are still stargazing and not looking at each other which makes this situation more comfortable.
"I--I do think that the emotion called love exists and it's one of the most intense feelings one person can posess " he finishes.
I ponder a while about his answer, and ask--
"Intense feelings as in anger, hatred, jealousy?"
"Yes. Anger, hatred, love, jealousy, possessiveness, disgust...all of these are the most intense feelings a human can feel. But love...love is something that can change the course of one's life. Not that the other mentioned feelings can't...but mostly others bring about negetive change in lives but love... love makes you want to live and love more. So I consider that the most powerful emotion..." he trails off.
"I...I do agree but I don't think many people are capable of love"
"Why do you think so?" There's a bit of shock and curiosity in his tone.
I pause for a while. How do I even begin to answer his question...I can go forever answering that but will he understand? Would anybody understand where I'm coming from? It's not that I haven't tried voicing out my thoughts on this topic before, but most of the people get offended by my answer...they take it too personally.
I turn my head to look at him to find him already gazing at me. Maybe it's the genuine curiosity in his eyes which compels me to push out my next gibberish-
"What is love? I've tried to find an answer to this question as long as I can remember..but over time I realized the answer varies so much from person to person that no definition suits well for it. But what I've observed is that not all kinds of love are unconditional. In fact most people love one other holding a set of conditions on their heads. It maybe knowingly or unknowingly but the conditions are always there-"
"As far as novels, poems go...love is equated with being unconditional. But how many people around us are capable of it?" I ask before continuing
"When you love a person you have certain conditions to which you want the other person to adhere to. You need them to do certain things, posess certain qualities, behave certain way in order to love them. So the idea that love is unconditional itself is debatable right? Only when we love a person we expect a few things from them, we pose certain conditions over their love...we don't care about any of these with a person we don't love"...I stop abruptly realizing I'm blabbering.
"I'm sorry..I didn't realize I was blabbering. Don't mind-"
He cuts me off immediately by saying-"no, don't do that. I'll never mind listening to you. Please finish whatever you're saying "
I'll never mind listening to you. How long have I wanted somebody to say that to me and mean it? His words warm my heart like a blanket in a chilly night.
"I mean I know that unconditional love exists out there. If so many people have written about it, talked about it, experienced it over the ages, I'm sure it must not have been just their imaginations. There must definitely be some truth to it. And I feel the ones who got to experience it must be the luckiest beings on this planet. But I also don't believe in the notion that everyone's love is unconditional and pure. Sometimes it just can be attraction and care for all u know. I don't even blame anybody for it. It's just like-- like adventures. Not many like the thrill and danger that comes with it. Not many like the idea of being so vulnerable in front of someone that your whole emotional existence is dependent on the other person...so they choose a less thrilling version of it. Something safe and normal. It's just about what you choose"
We lay in silence under the stars and the silence is so damn thick. My anxiety starts kicking me telling me that I scared him away with my big mouth...what if he think I'm too opinionated? What if he thinks I'm too much? Damn I should've chose lighter topics for the night..
When I'm drowning in self doubt I feel something crawling up my waist..before I panic I realize it's his hand. He's snaking his arm around me and snuggling to my side. His face is centimeters away from mine I can feel his hot breath on my cheek. He draws me further in to his warm snuggle and I can't help the sigh of relief that escapes my mouth. This feels good...this feels great.
